9 Times My Invitation Got Lost In The Mail

1. The Royal Wedding

It just would’ve been nice to have been told that there as no guaranteed delivery for my invitation to the Royal Wedding. Perhaps then I wouldn’t have gotten a custom-fit Alexander McQueen dress with money I don’t have, just to fit in with you Babykins. If you’re not going to give me a heads up then at least consider doing it for the pigeon I killed and then fashioned into a chic-looking beret with a mesh veil. I just wanted to fit in.

2. Rihanna’s New Years dinner party with Cara Delevigne

I forgave you the time my invitation to your guys’ slumber party in Barbados got lost in the mail, I turned the other cheek when you slipped up and forgot to stamp my invite to Monte Carlo…But really, I’ve had it up to here with you two. What part of “I roll the best joints” do you not get, Riri? What part of “I am silly too” do YOU not get, Cara? Because I don’t know, call me crazy, but I’m pretty certain I would’ve been a spectacular guest at your (Riri) New Years dinner part. And yet, once again, my invitation was lost in the mail. I’d be more inclined to forgive you if you two didn’t then go ahead and post photos of your night on Instagram.

3. Beyonce’s album release party

Bey, I know you know about my soft spot for Dave & Busters, which is why I was just simply hurt to see you had your album release party there and without inviting me. It’s like, you know you’re just making me look bad, right?

4. Kylie Jenner’s sweet 16

Kylie, I stood by you as you decided to go from teeny bopper to emo. I helped you exchange all of your colorful Celine bags and Balmain jackets for black ones. I even bought you a bouquet of your favorite flowers—dead roses—for fuck’s sake. All I asked as that you spell my name and address correctly, stamp it, and put down a return address. One SIMPLE request and yet you still managed to fuck it all up and ensure my invitation was lost in the mail.

5. My invitation to North Korea

Kim Jong-Un, I KNOW you didn’t just invite Dennis Rodman to North Korea over me. I mean I called UPS and they explained the blunder, but it’s like you hold the lives of every North Korean citizen in the palm of your hands. I’m fairly certain that if you had wanted my invitation to North Korea to be delivered to me in a timely fashion you would have made that happen.

6. My invitation to model in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show

It was only when Facebookers everywhere started expressing their excitement over this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show that it dawned on me that my invitation to model in it must have gotten lost in the mail. I blame it on the weather, which has chapped my nipples to no end.

7. Anthony Weiner’s sexting parties

I brushed off your brief affair with the 21-year-old woman from Seattle, Washington, and then I forgave your dalliance with Vegas blackjack dealer Lisa Weiss. But when you emerged as the elusive and irresistible Carlos Danger, soliciting Sydney Leathers I KNEW my invitation to sext with you must have gotten lost in the mail.

8. To write a selfie op-ed for the New York Times

In the past, I have expounded on the idea of the selfie and the vague self-obsession that defines it. My takes were at once thoughtful and intellectual, and thus differed greatly from James Franco’s trite and mundane take on the selfie that he detailed in a recent NYTimes article. Dear NYTimes, I realize my invitation to write this op-ed got lost in the mail and I can forgive you for that. What I can’t forgive you for is your decision to have James Franco write it instead. Famous as he may be, he is not a reliable source on the selfie craze.

9. The Rachel Hodin bashing party

And finally…this. Typically, this party can be found in the comments section of my articles. It’s been going on for so long it hardly phases me anymore, but still, I should have you know that I have yet to receive MY invitation. It is, after all, MY bashing party. It’s totally cool that it got lost in the mail, but would you mind just re-sending it?