1. If our pants look great then GOOD. THEY BETTER. There’s a reason we’re wearing an oversized sweater and it’s to cover up the fact that these fucking adorable pants don’t actually zip.
2. We love it when you tell us how smooth our skin is, especially in those slightly obscure spots—like the underside of our forearm, our backs, and our armpits. Fun fact though: these armpits are not smooth all by themselves. To get them like this, we have to shave them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Try copping a feel the moment we wake up—almost feels like a cheese grater-tree bark hybrid.
3. Surprise! We have toe hair too! We just shave it.
4. Truth be told, come 10pm on a weeknight we would like nothing less than to blow you. If we still do it, for the love of God don’t take this as a token of our affection. We just want to a) get a free pass tomorrow night and maybe the next night too, and b) still need you to do that favor for us.
5. We’re actually not as oblivious as we sometimes appear to be. In fact, we’re quite perceptive! For instance, we know you’ve been looking at us for the past 20 minutes—we can see you out of the corner of our eye and we’re not blind, we’re just intentionally not looking back.
6. You think we look different—fresher, maybe—and you can’t exactly pinpoint what it is?
Fiction: We just got a really good night’s sleep last night!
Fact: It’s our eyebrows. We colored them in, but since you’re a guy you’ll likely never notice.
7. Remember that time when you thought we were mental for opening the car window in 14 degree weather? We assured you we just needed fresh air; that we were feeling a bit nauseous. You even stopped to get us some ginger ale? Yeah, we farted. That’s all.
8. We say: “Girls don’t poop…they only poop flowers!”
We mean: “Get the SHIT out of our house right now so we can drop our morning deuce.”
9. We tend to put on the “actor’s cap” quite a bit. If our dude is shaving, for instance, we’ll sometimes watch them, feigning awe, as if we’re observing two gazelles mating in the wild and not a daily activity for all men.
Real talk: we know ALL ABOUT the upkeep (or “downkeep,” to be more precise) of mustaches. We do everything from tweezing, waxing, even bleaching those bad boys, but we’ll never tell you.
10. We say: “Nooo, that’s silly. I don’t need a birthday present from you, your love is more than enough…”
We mean: “If you don’t get me a birthday present—and a THOUGHTFUL one too—we will MURDER you. Kisses!”
11. If only you knew how excellent we are at stalking slutty bitches…you’d probably like us a lot less. Which is why you don’t know this about us.
12. Remember when you decided to really open up and tell us all about your ex? The one we always thought you were never fully over? Remember how we nodded along, as if this was all news to us? Guess what: it wasn’t. We knew it all—hell, we’ve known it all for months now (re: point #11).
13. Here’s the long and short of it: we don’t have our periods, we just don’t want to have sex with you.
14. Assembling Ikea furniture isn’t out of the realm of possibilities for us. We COULD do it, if we tried really hard. It would just be so much easier to sit back on our couch and watch you assemble it instead.
15. “Oh hey random-hot-dude-I-keep-bumping-into! Didn’t know YOU were going to be here!” is a lie. A bold. faced. lie. We have known that you’d be in attendance for like 6 weeks already, hence the blow-out and the booty-hugging dress.
16. The rule of “Plus Five”: If we told you we’ve had sex with 6 people, the actual number is 11. Sue us—you’re the one who likes us best all untouched and innocent.
17. The main (and frankly only) reason we don’t want to do anal with you is because we’re scared we will literally shit all over you in the process.
18. I look good, don’t I? Like skinnier than usual, right? My cheekbones—would it be too far-fetched to call them more “defined” than usual? My facial structure particularly ravishing? Yeah, that’s because I just contoured the SHIT out of my face. Thanks for noticing.