1. You willingly choose to sleep at your parents’ house at least once a week (despite having your own place).
A rule of thumb: all humans should be strongly averse to living with their parents; it’s only natural. Which is why a predilection for sleeping at your parents’ place at least once a week (and despite having your own place) will call into question just about everything I know about you. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong, per se. It’s just that I know now that we’ll never truly be friends. I won’t feel comfortable bitching about my parents to you and, as a 25-year-old, this practice is rather compulsory for our overall health and mental stability. Also, there is obviously an enormous part of your emotional stability and independence that’s lacking.
2. You need an entire night to pack.
“I can’t grab dinner tonight, I gotta go home and pack,” is an excuse I’ll often hear at around 7:30pm. And more times than not, the person’s flight isn’t even leaving until late afternoon the next day. There’s really no other way to describe such behavior other than “curious.” Even if you are hand-picking all of your outfits for the trip—an act I find abhorrent and am physically allergic to—you still couldn’t possibly need 12 hours to do it. If you were finishing up a dissertation—fine, perfectly fine excuse. But packing requires the brain capacity of an earthworm.
3. Your nails are always perfectly done (and you’re not self-aware).
I do wish my nails didn’t always resemble the edge of a spork, but fact is, they do. I am utterly titillated by looking at pretty nails and cool nail art, but am wholly impatient when it comes to girls whose nails are always, magically pristine, without so much as pointing them out or a “like my nails?” It’s these girls for whom getting manicures are so second-nature, that they’re completely oblivious to the amount of money and devotion they’re doling out to fund this habit.
4. If I’ve never seen you without cat eyes.
Similar to the nail art, the cat eye enthusiast is sort of like the self-unaware manicure addict, hipsterfied. Not once in my waking life have I been able to successfully complete the cat eye look, so yes, I am startled and slightly confused, but most of all just exhausted at the thought of you cat-eyeing your eyelids every single day. It speaks volumes about your priorities (and, dare I say, vanity?).
5. You post too many photos with you and your family looking happy.
To me, this is the ultimate red flag. I find it very, very irksome that, after albums upon countless albums posted of you and your three sisters, you still feel it’s necessary to keep going with it. There are so many aspects of these photos that make me certain I cannot trust you. The beaming, cheesy smile, for starters; the hand-on-hip-while-wearing-bikini pose; and finally, your caption. The caption to kill all captions. It’s usually something simple yet obvious, like, “My two best friends in the world #sisters.”
6. You’re a “DJ.”
I’m sorry, I’m just having a really hard time wrapping my head around this “profession.” If you’re not convinced that DJs are untrustworthy, let me ask you this: do these people seem like honest, loyal, and upright citizens?
7. You’re gluten-free and trying to convert me.
“No thank you” the shit out of questions like “bread for the table?” all you want. Just for the love of God don’t try to convert me, okay? Not eating bread is not even a plausible scenario for me, so all you’re really doing is planting seeds of gluten-hate into my conscience, making me paranoid that I’ll die every time I eat carbs (which is all the time).
8. You have a boyfriend, aren’t engaged, but have already planned the entire wedding.
OK. I get that you might start vaguely planning it in your head—the location, say, or the type of dress you want to wear. I for one can’t hook up with a guy without envisioning us married and with kids, so I get it. but only a distrustful woman with a boyfriend would say things like, “The wedding will be in Bali and you guys will have to pay for flights, but I promise everything else will be paid for!”
9. You only eat one slice of pizza.
One time I bet an ex-boyfriend that if we had a pizza-eating contest, I would win. He broke up with me before I got the chance to whoop his ass, but the offer still stands for anyone who isn’t afraid to lose some money. My point is, I am so tremendously confident with my pizza-eating skills, precisely because one slice is never enough. And if you’re the type who, when offered a second slice is like, “Nah, I’m good. Stuffed!” **rubs belly** then I have every reason to believe you’re a lying, deceitful bastard.
10. You shop at Intermix.
I used to shop at Intermix, which is why I know I can’t trust anyone who still shops there now. Their employees have this odd capability of killing you with one high-pitched screech; their clothes are generic and tacky; and if they had a philosophy I’m pretty sure it’d be something like, “Novels? What are those? The only thing I ever read are calories on a nutrition label.”
11. You take your close friends’ sloppy seconds.
Any girl who takes her close friends’ sloppy seconds is a girl I do NOT want to be friends with. I believe there’s only one real rule for female friendships and that’s to always take your friend’s side over the guy’s side.
12. You don’t like Beyoncé.
That’s like saying you don’t like Mother Teresa, or beauty. How could you? What has she ever done to you? Saying this suggests one of two things: you are physically blind or you’re jealous of Bey.
13. You are younger than 27 and have already changed your name to something that Gwyneth would name her kid.
People who change their name—and not for marriage purposes—are verrrryyy suspect. There’s something about it that just screams desperation. Like, if you were born Samantha, then moved to Brooklyn and changed your name to Holland, then I really think you should consider falling on a sword.
14. You say you’re going to break up with your significant other, but never do.
Guys can be such fuckers. I’ve been with countless guys who have told me they intend to break up with their girlfriend and then, 6 months later, they’re still together. It’s a cowardly move; if you’re going to do it, grow some balls and do it. And another thing: if you’re so open to bad-mouthing your girlfriend to other girls, then something tells me you wouldn’t look past bad-mouthing me too.
15. You didn’t speak to your parent(s) for an extraordinarily long period of time.
I know very few people who have gone extended periods of time—I’m talkin’ at least a year—without speaking to a parent. In every case, it was not the parent’s fault, and in every case I found something to be incurably sketchy about the person and his or her story.
16. You’ve change your Instagram picture over 8 times.
Partly because Instagram is a relatively new social media platform, and party because the Instagram profile photo is smaller than my thumb nail, I find it very suspicious if you’ve changed your Instagram photo over 8 times since joining Instagram. It speaks to your vanity and all-around lame-ness like nothing else could.
17. You own throw pillows with cheesy sayings on them.
Unless you’re living with a mom—could be your own mom or just any old mom—there is absolutely no reason you should own even one throw pillow with some cheesy phrase written on it. And owning one only tells me that you’re an insufferable, two-timing whore. Sorry—but someone had to say it.