1. Cougars at a hotel resort in Anguilla
This year I spend New Years at a hotel resort in Anguilla where families spend too much on too little. By the end of the night I was sweating and shaking, crouching in a corner like Haley Joel Osment and telling my therapist, Bruce Willis, that “I see cougars…” And it has sadly come to my attention that I will never be able to un-see these cougars. They came in all shapes and sizes: some stood tall in their Louboutin heels, while other stood not as tall in their glittery Manolo flats. There were married cougs, single cougs, tans cougs and ginger cougs. But the one thing that united them all was a penchant for sequined dresses that clung to their butts like saran wrap. They haven’t touched a candy bar in over 13 years and, as a result, have biceps that are as defined as Willem Defoe’s cheekbones. They’re barely-human, they’re alien, and they’re un-seeable.
2. These cougars’ offspring
It’s only natural that, since the Anguilla cougars made my list, their offspring would make the cut too. these are boys who fall somewhere between 14 and 18 years old, but know how to order a drink like Don Draper. They’re not unlike budding Scott Disicks, pre daddy makeover. Their mascot is Patrick Bateman and so they like to do as much cocaine as possible in public. They snap at waiters, overdose on sushi, and bathe themselves in Domaines Ott. If you have never met one of these kids, consider yourself lucky.
Safe spaces where you won’t run into them: Bushwick, the subway, giving to charity.
3. Walking in on your parents
I’ve tried everything—washing my eyes out with acid, electroshock therapy—and I can assure you that nothing works. All you can do is move on, never look back, and always knock.
4. This face
5. Findings from investigative reporting article on porn
Hey, ever write a 4000-word research article on the Brooklyn porn industry? Well the fruits of your labor may be superb, but everything you saw leading up to it has unfortunately been etched onto your soul. And that includes the male porn star whose decrepit apartment you visited to watch him sodomize a stranger while his wife nursed his newborn in the next room.
6. Genitals physically touching any part of any subway system
This falls under the category of things you’ll see every time you close your eyes to fall asleep at night. Which is why this dude visits me every night in my dreams:
Except in this case I never want to un-see it.
7. Micro penis Google search
So, funny story. I wrote this article detailing little-known facts about penises and stumbled upon something I can never un-see, despite all my efforts to erase it from my memory. It’s called the micro penis. Google it and you too will never un-see it. I know, I know…you’re welcome.
8. The ladies locker room at Pure Yoga
In NYC, due west and far north, there lies an overpriced yoga studio that goes by the name of Pure Yoga. Droves of women gather there to plank, gaze toward the sky in Trikonasana and push their nipples forward in up-dog. And in the depths of these studios lies a locker room, where I have seen things that resemble at once humans and mashed potatoes. It’s where breasts go to droop, asses go to melt, and all hopes are lost.
9. A subway nail-clipper
As humans, our eyes can only stand to take so much filth. The NYC subway system seems to defy all odds and limits of filth and is therefore often damaging to our eyesight. And one particularly harrowing subway sight that, I promise, you will never forget is a man clipping his toenails. My eyes were once exposed to this and have not let me forget it ever since. So if you’re riding the subway and hear the faint clicking sound of clipped nails, fight the urge to look. Don’t become a statistic.
10. Robin Thicke’s bulge
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: our eyes were not cut out to watch a bulge of this nature undulate about.
11. Kim’s pregnant ankles
The nature of things we, as humans, can never un-see typically defies all human odds. Such as Kim’s pregnant ankles. Why, you ask, are we incapable of un-seeing this? Why, because it was as if Jabba the Hutt took refuge below both of Kim’s calves! And, as humans, we are ill-equipped for such a sight.
12. Barista Brody’s video
Another defining trait of the un-seeable are those that fall into the cringe-worthy category. I for one cannot un-see Barista Brody’s attempt at picking up Piper Kennedy, seen below:
Perhaps this is because I play it on repeat every night for 6 hours straight, but regardless, it has found a special and permanent spot at the forefront of my memory.
13. Spider Vine
There are some things that no amount of weed can help you to un-see, such as the Spider Vine. If you are at all anxious, the Spider Vine will immediately be stored in that folder in your brain reserved specifically for times you’re on the verge of feeling calm. Go ahead, try it out. And if you claim the image of hundreds of daddy long legs wasn’t singed onto your heart then I’m calling bullshit and then you to find out how you aren’t scared of spiders
14. The first episode of Princesses Long Island
How I lived unaware of Princesses Long Island for this long I will never know. This is one of those un-seeable things that you perversely can’t tear your gaze from either. It’s like watching a dog give a college lecture—simply unfathomable. And yet, it’s incredible at the same time. A 29-year-old woman who brings her dad along to get manicures? A dude who says, “that’s my girl! That IS my girl!” When he sees his girlfriend in a bikini? These are images that will flash before your eyes during the last moments of your life.