The 10 Worst Houseguests, Counting Down From The Time Warner Guy Who Just Pooped In My Toilet

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Hey, good news: Time Warner Cable called and they said their office smells like roses. Know why? Because the Time Warner Cable guy who was GOING to poop in the office POOPED IN MY TOILET INSTEAD.

1. The invasive uncle

This is your hypothetical uncle who you always thought to be incredibly goofy and funny until you turned 16 and realized he’s just creepy. His signature move is walking in on you and your boyfriend mid-coitus and, instead of leaving, plopping down on the foot of your bed.

2. The house guests who are inappropriately on ecstasy

These guys are having the time of their lives, mainly due to the fact that they very recently consumed a substantial amount of MDMA. They are not on your level; and neither are you on theirs. When it’s time for you to throw in the towel and go to bed, they’ll have trouble understanding this concept and will be wholly oblivious to the pain this subsequently causes you.

3. The ones who can’t take a hint

Not unlike the house guess who have taken ecstasy at a rather inopportune time, these guests are impervious to hints. And yet, unlike the house guests on E, these guests will never be able to take a hint, regardless of whether or not they’re under the influence.

When it comes to these guys, it’s compulsory that you’re forthright, direct, and clear. Because if you half-ass it and tell them you have a dinner to make, they’ll hear this as an invitation to be your house sitter in the meantime.

4. The close talkers

Often times the ones who are unable to take hints are invariably close talkers, though one does not necessarily amount to the other. I say this because, as a close talker, one inevitably has poor social skill and, when it comes to social cues, they’re poor on the uptake. The problem with close talkers is that they afford you very little breathing space and will always make sure you’re privy to the particulars of their breakfast burrito. See below for reference (not to be confused with the less obtrusive low talker):

5. The guest with a low alcohol tolerance and a low threshold for uncomfortable situations

If you’re stuck with this guy, you’re fucked—no two ways about it. Low alcohol tolerances are rarely ever a good thing, and their benefits are even rarer when they are at the expense of your home. Add to that a low threshold for uncomfortable situations—and you got yourself in quite the pickle. This is the fool who will pas out on your couch, piss him or herself, and then duck out before you wake up to avoid the uncomfortable situation that is telling you your couch is damp with urine.

6. The chain smoker

My home isn’t your personal Czech nightclub—that’s all I have to say about that.

7. The lazy relatives

When lazy relatives are your house guests for the weekend, know that you’ll be beckoned every hour or so not unlike a butler. These crazy cats will remain in roughly the same 100 square feet of your home throughout their entire stay. This is where they will read, eat, sleep, watch TV, and most importantly watch your every move. Think of them as a guard dog without legs or any security benefits. They will never approach you, but every time you pass them on your way to your room they’ll yell, “And where do you think YOU’RE off to in such a hurry? Come on! Sit down! Tell me about your next article idea!”

8. The insecure and bitter great aunt

This lady generally carries a despondent disposition. She likes to talk about her latest colonoscopy, while fingering her benign cysts. She might be single or just in an unhappy marriage, and seeing you—a youthful 20-something with that virginal glow—is only a reminder that she’s not getting any younger. So she likes to get on your case about—well, anything really. Your clothes, hair, body type, etc.

9. The one who tries to mother you

Perhaps she’s a houseguest of your parents. Regardless, one thing is for certain: she doesn’t have kids. There are very few people in her life who she was ever able to boss around and so she sees your 23-year-old self as the perfect opportunity to flex those domineering muscles.

10. The dude with no limits

And so it is. Time Warner Cable guy, we meet again. Just incase you were unaware, this is you. You are this. You see, you very rarely feel this sensation we humans like to call SHAME. As a result, you’ll shit just about anywhere.

I wish I could say the stink you left behind in my bathroom marked my first encounter with one of your kind, but then I’d be lying. As it happens, I had the misfortune of attending college with you, where you took it upon yourself to leisurely take my iPad into my bathroom and to take a massive, 20-minute poo. Did I mention I hate you? TC mark

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