22 Little-Known Facts About Jewish Guys

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I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris. My findings are based on empirical and scientific evidence, as well as Woody Allen movies and Drake’s HYFR (Hell Ya Fuckin’ Right) video.

1. It goes without saying that all Jewish guys have at least one signed photo of an 8-year-old them with an NBA player.

2. They appreciate hygiene, and covet clean feet.

3. They received at least one T. Anthony cufflink box on their Bar Mitzvah.

4. They love nothing more than a good dance party.

5. They tend to think they look good in outrageously-colored, fake Ray Bans.

6. On Halloween, it brings them an inordinate amount of joy to cross-dress. When they do it, it’s never not funny.

7. They’re vehement about Movember.

8. They’re scared of the dark.

9. A mere .3% of them have committed to getting a tattoo.

10. To indicate they’re enjoying themselves, they like to throw their hands up in the air, not unlike what Fedde Le Grand did back in 2006 for Detroit.

11. If they’re single, their mom would like you to know it and will haunt your nightmares until you let him take you out on a date.

12. They are also strangely drawn to those shutter shade glasses that Kanye popularized with the onslaught of his album “Graduation.”

13. They’re curiously nostalgic for middle school gym teachers.

14. They’re the WORST at flossing.

15. “The Graduate” is in their Top 10 Movie List Of All Time.

16. A freakishly accurate measure of their blood alcohol content is by seeing how many buttons on their shirt they’ve left unbuttoned. Then multiply that number by .2.

17. Typically, they’re not habitual smokers, but will have the occasional cigarette when they’re drunk.

18. At one point in their life, they tried growing their hair out. The result looked something like this:

s_bukley / Shutterstock.com
Shutterstock.com“>s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

19. More times than not, you’ll find that they have a sweet hook up into the diamond market.

20. They Nair their bodies.

21. They treat women really well because they “have sisters” and “have a mom.”

22. They were miffed when I wrote this article. TC mark

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