1. The Ole Cute Boy Cushion
Get to your gate 10 minutes early to scope out the rest of the passengers you’ll be flying with. Then find one cute dude (or chick—whatever floats your boat) who you’ll be spending the next 3 hours with to the Fort Lauderdale airport. The mere presence of an attractive male (or female) imbues us with hope and the reassurance that we’ll live together, us and cute dude, to see the Ft. Lauderdale airport. And, should anything bad happen to the plane, you can feel at east knowing that you’ll get to join the mile high club with him as one last hoorah before nose-diving to your death.
You want to make sure they’re comfy—not too tight, not too high-waisted, and certainly not an itchy fabric like wool. But more important than that is the presence of an elastic waistband that will expand to your nervous, binge-eating habit on planes.
As in, an oversized, comfy sweater that you don’t mind dirtying up with chocolate and plane germs, and that will also keep you warm.
4. The Blanket Eye Mask Trick
Since many airlines don’t dole out eye masks anymore, take those sandpaper-like blankets and cover your eyes and ears with them. It’s a fantastic alternative.
5. Noise-Canceling Headphones
To simply cancel out the noise of plebes and cretins that will inevitably accumulate around you.
I’m not encouraging you to procure them illegally, but should you have a tendency to think only about death on airplanes, then I highly recommend talking to your doctor about a prescription. Also works well to subdue the maddening rage that flight attendants will provoke in you.
Interestingly, a mere glass of red wine mixed with a benzodiazepine will allow you to accept and be extraordinarily comfortable with your own death by plane crash.
8. The Stink-Eye Scare
Before boarding, while you’re scouting out the plane for the cute dude (or chick), do yourself a favor and make a mental note of all the annoying-looking kids on your flight too. Give each one of them a long and hard 7-minute stink-eye with a fixed gaze so they know not to fuck with you (re: kick the back of your seat).
9. Befriend A Flight Attendant
Swallow all of your pride and befriend just one flight attendant, as hard as this may be. It will make your flight significantly more enjoyable and will ensure a lap to sit on should there be turbulence.
10. Avoid Specific Foods
Any plane meal that has the word “gratin” in it should be avoided and, if possible, flushed down the toilet.
11. When Flushing: Earmuffs
If you’re an anxious flier, then it’s compulsory that you cover your ears whenever flushing an airplane toilet. Because that thunderous, ear-piercing noise that the flush on airplanes typically make will surely precipitate a panic attack.
12. Shit In Business Class
When you have to go #2 and the aisles are cleared of any and all demonic flight attendants, beeline for the business class bathrooms. I can’t describe the satisfaction of stinking up a business class bathroom as an economy class passenger.
13. Pass Your Gas Proudly
Another move that will surely give you an unmatched sense of gratification is farting at all times. Do it while talking to strangers, while asking for water—even while switching off the overhead light! Your farts will be at once boisterous, thunderous, and yet entirely inaudible to those around you. It’s magnificent. Seth Rogen explained it better than I ever could in Funny People:
Airplanes are the last public place where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares. ‘Cause they don’t…it’s loud. There’s engine noise. They just don’t know it’s you. Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met and be sitting this far away from them and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson and just fart as loud as you humanly can.
14. Steal Free Swag
Steal all the free swag you can get your hands on. I’m talkin’ pillows, blankets, headphones, in-flight magazines, salt and pepper packets. You may as well milk the experience for all it’s worth.
Make sure you always have Chapstick handy while flying because nothing will plunge you into psychosis faster than chapped lips for 7 hours straight in a dry, bacteria-filled environment.