1. They get to watch you pick up their shit.
And we do it enthusiastically too, without even thinking twice. In fact, if we don’t pick up their shit, we’ll probably get chastised by other humans. One time I was taking my late dog Molly out for a walk on the upper west side. She wasn’t supposed to poop—or at least that’s what her mid-afternoon dog walker told me! But alas, she pulled a fast one on me and sprayed liquid shit out of her butt and onto Riverside Drive. Flummoxed, apprehensive, and revolted, I made a hasty decision and ran away like nothing happened. Now, I loathe people who leave their dog’s shit on the street, but I was without plastic baggy and this shit was un-pick-up-able. I made it 5 steps before the nearest doorman scolded me and then handed me a sheet of newspaper to clean the mess.
2. But that’s not all…
As the Jews like to say on Passover, “Dayenu,” or, it would have been enough. So, too, would it have been enough—”it” being our dogs watching us pick up their shit—to convince us that our dogs lead happier lives that we do. And yet, that’s not all. If they so choose, dogs can make us wake up in the middle of the night; force us to get out of bed, get dressed, and into the cold; and all to watch them take a massive shit—a shit that we will then have to clean up ourselves.
Tell me, who else has this authority over you?
3. Your dog is more popular than you are.
People genuinely care more about your dog than they do about you.
My family and I just got a new dog. Her name is Zadie Smith and she’s 6 months old. I recently took her out and was given a bit of a wake-up call. It appears if I died, no one in the neighborhood I grew up in would notice or care. Conversely, if my dog left the house wearing a new collar, the entire neighborhood would have a conniption. I was passed by not one, not two, but about seven different, upright- and wealthy-looking pedestrians who said hello to my dog and not to me. Frankly, it wasn’t so much that they didn’t say hi to me, but more so that they looked right through me. To Zadie it was, “Hi Ms. Zadie! Hi beautiful!” “Look who it is! I’ve missed you Zadie!” and so on. Never mind the human walking the dog.
4. They get to lie a lot.
In fact, they spend 90% of their days reclining, not unlike how a Greek God might recline while being fed grapes.
5. They’re never hungry.
They have a low tolerance for the taste of food and so never find themselves in a famished state. Their food mentality goes a little something like this: hungry? just grab the first thing on the street that you step on. And, I have to say, it sounds far superior to our overindulgent, “5 second rule!” mindset towards food. A world in which practically everything is edible is a world with less starving people.
6. They have a low threshold for fun.
These days it takes Beyonce’s visual album, some type of muffin that contains white chocolate, browsing through Facebook and all while watching “I Am Britney Jean” for me to feel MILDLY entertained. Whereas your dog will chase his or her tail for as long as it takes not to throw up and pass out. If only life were so simple…
7. Your dog always gets there first.
No matter where “there” is, your dog will be there before you. Like this morning, I went into my bathroom for my morning pee, only to find the dog, head fully immersed in the toilet, finishing up the last couple licks of my toilet water.
8. Your dog is the only one who still gets home-cooked meals.
I can only remember one time my hand was slapped at and that was when I reached for the El Paso-looking ground-up beef in the fridge. Next thing I knew, my mom’s hand was coming down hard on my own. “That’s for the dog!!” she cried out. It’s a good thing she caught me in time, or else I might have had my full daily dose of protein.
But it’s not just my mom who does this; your mom does it too. I once watched my friend’s mom chop up licorice into bite-size pieces for their dog, and for 6 hours straight.
9. Then they’ll finish their dinner in under 20 seconds.
When the food finally makes it safely out of your hands and into your dog’s bowl, your dog takes this time to truly display his/her IDGAF attitude—the literally zero fucks that she gives—by gobbling it up in under 20 seconds. It’s as if she’s flaunting how much she is able to take advantage of her owner. She doesn’t even have to savor her dinner and will still be fed another home cooked meal the following day.
10. The dog has already claimed your spot on the couch.
It’s been three weeks since you moved out of your parent’s house and the dog has already claimed your spot on the couch. You know, that couch you weren’t allowed so much as a sip of seltzer while sitting on? Now your dog wipes her dirty paws on that same couch like it’s her fucking throne and is still given a cookie after.
11. Your dog sleeps like this:
12. Your dog is naturally shaved.
Which means she doesn’t have to spend an extra $70+ a month to get a bikini wax.
13. For dogs, there are no double standards.
Your dog can be as slutty as he/she pleases without having to worry about any repercussions. Dogs rarely get romantically attached to one another, are scarcely EVER judgmental, and (if domesticated), can’t get pregnant. It’s like there’s literally no divide between genders.
14. They actually own their owners.
Dogs are born and then, about two seconds later, own their owners.
I slept at home this weekend because I wasn’t feeling well. When I asked my mom to see if my forehead felt hot, she shushed me and went back to her stethoscope, making sure the dogs breathing was on point (spoiler alert: it was). Then I woke up to find my mom sleeping on the floor next to the dog’s crate. Talk about having your parents wrapped around your finger.
15. Your dog works.
If one rivulet of sweat is able to leave my forehead while doing Pilates then I’ll call it a success, reward myself with a year-long exercise hiatus, and down three bottles of gatorade just to make sure I don’t dehydrate. Whereas my dog showed up at her first puppy training class, WERKED, and by the end was vomiting. It made me realize that Zadie is certainly spoiled, but not without reason. As usual, Britney explains it best,
You wanna hot body
You wanna Bugatti
You wanna Maserati
You better work bitch.