1. Storage Room/Space
Moms will go out to buy extra, gratuitous stuff just to fill their storage space. A full storage space = a full heart.
2. Plastic Boxes
Especially ones that fit snugly under your bed. They’re like mini storage spaces that tug on their heartstrings.
3. Clean Towels
Moms have this intrinsic clairvoyance about them. It’s like they know that, once we leave home, it’ll be nearly impossible to keep our towels from smelling like mildew. They know the importance of a clean towel before we can even fathom this very idea.
Which, in itself, assumes the act of re-washing tupperware. They love to stack their tupperware and improvise with the container/lid pairings.
5. Bed Frames
Though it’s unclear what it is about bed frames that tickles them so, the fact of the matter still remains. Since going to college I’ve kept a tally and my mother has said the term “bed frame” seven billion times.
You know, those things that keep a nail fixed in the wall? No? Well your mom does, and she thinks you need some.
Moms like to learn obscure words like this, “banquette,” and “credenza” and then spew these words out every 10 seconds to keep us perplexed and subservient. Because no matter how hard we try we’ll never learn what they truly mean.
7. Wine Stoppers
This can be easily deconstructed via the transitive property. Moms love wine. Moms love things that prevent spills. Ergo, moms love wine stoppers.
Moms are perpetually in awe of the value and benefits of granola. They like to pack it in mini Ziploc bags to stay their cravings during meetings, and they like to sprinkle it into their morning yogurt too. A plus is having a funky flavored granola like “vanilla bomb.”
9. Facebook/Twitter Creeping
Moms are the sleuth masters; this is a fact we all know, but try to keep buried under lots of cushiony lies. I for one can’t wait to tear up my daughter’s Tumblr.
10. Salad Spinner
I’ve told my mom countless times that I don’t make salads, and yet she still asks me if I have a salad spinner every time I see her, and with the utmost urgency in her voice. Starting to think that salad spinner is code for birth control.
11. Being Right
And they usually are.
Moms LOVE a good itinerary. It doesn’t even have to be her itinerary! Her friend could be taking a family trip to Italy and your mom would still spend an entire night drooling over this other family’s 16-hour day in Tunisia. Just a fact of life.
It’s their seal of approval. It’s like mummifying their brilliance for future generations.
14. Guilt Tripping
They can guilt trip with a slight, barely-visible lift of the left eyebrow. They can guilt trip with a goddamn exhale! And as we all know the exhale hurts the most.