16 Urgent Questions For My Bikini Waxer

I’ve always been a firm believer that all bikini wax salons should have an anonymous suggestion box. My first order of business would be to eliminate all the rookies. I think there should be a requirement for all bikini waxers to perform their first, I don’t know, 10 (?) waxes on a dummy. I was recently waxed by a lady who had clearly just begun her foray into bikini waxing. It felt like my vagina was a blank slate onto which she was realizing her abstract and surrealist talent. Instances like those are what I hope to avoid with the suggestion box. But mostly, dear Aldona, my elusive bikini waxer, I just have questions. Copious, copious questions.

1. Why are you smiling?

And furthermore, can you not? I do appreciate your efforts to make this as comfortable an experience as possible, but I don’t appreciate that dubious smirk. All it does is leave me with even more unanswered questions, like, does it look weird? Is that why you’re smiling? Did I queef or something? Because I am confident I will never be able to control those.

2. Does it feel good?

Oh don’t you “what?” me. You know exactly what I’m talking about. To have so much power over droves of people every day—does that feel good? I’d like to give Anna Wintour a good bikini wax; show her who’s boss.

3. How do bikini waxers feel about laser hair removal?

I imagine there is an unspoken feud between people who wax and people who perform laser hair removal. How irreparable is this feud? We talking Biggy and Tupac here? Or more of a Miley and Sinéad type of feud?

4. Approximately how many vaginas do you see in one day?

And does that get tiring? Is it hard to then go out and eat oysters?

5. Why does the butt hurt so much less?

The extent to which the butt hurts less than the frontside is unfathomable. My question is: why?

6. What percentage of your clients are men?

And if you wouldn’t mind elaborating? I know guys who get their butts waxed. As in butt cheeks waxed. How common is this and have you ever retched on the job?

7. Do you judge us?

Be honest; how much do you notice and/or judge each individual client’s junk?

8. Would you tell a girl if her vagina smells?

Just curious.

9. What’s the most obtrusive bush you’ve had to tackle?

And are there special tools or types of waxes you use for these guys? Moreover, have you ever looked down at a massive bush and said something like, “Alright. I think it’s time to call in the bug guns!” Similarly, have you ever had to call backup?

10. Why did you apply wax to my left upper thigh yesterday?

That was weird.

11. What are bikini wax faux pas?

For you guys and for the client. I ask this because one time I was getting a wax and I was really exhausted so I closed my eyes. Then it occurred to me that—wait, maybe I shouldn’t close my eyes because it might look like I’m enjoying this a little too much? So then I opened my eyes and—boom—our gazes locked and I was like, wait! Make it stop! I don’t want to lock eyes with you either!

12. Who waxes you?

THAT’S who I want to see. Or wait, do you wax yourself? I can imagine that would only lead to immense self-loathing.

13. What’s the most random and absurd request you received from a client?

Has anyone sat down and been like, “The grundle. Just the grundle,” or something like that?

14. How did you get started as a bikini waxer?

Was it an interest in hair follicles, skin, etc that initially appealed to you? Or was it more of the masochistic element?

15. Why?

As in, why did you wait until wax was already lodged fully into my butthole before asking me if it was too hot (which by the way, yes, it was)?

16. Speaking of which. Best way to get wax out of your butthole?

LMK.