1. Be Open With Them About Their Sexual Activity.
Lay all your cards on the table, all the while exhibiting chill-ness. If they start getting really cozy, don’t ignore it or (worse) get awkward. Address it head on. Something along the lines of, “Are you guys trying to fuck? Because I can leave.” They’ll appreciate the straightforwardness.
2. Be Generous.
Y’know, so they’ll want to keep hanging out with you. Did they invite you over for dinner? Bring a joint. Hell, bring a joint any time you meet up with them. Has worked well for me thus far.
3. Be Their Window Of Opportunity To Learn What The Cool Kids Are Doing These Days.
That is, stay on your cool game. Know what’s up. Whether it’s chokers and ankle bracelets or an obscure bar in Bushwick, be in the know. If you fail to keep up, you’re liable to get dropped.
4. Make The Initiative.
And know that in order to hang out with them, more times than not you will need to make the initiative. It’s not that they don’t enjoy your company; they just already have each other, so they aren’t desperate to hang out with anyone else.
5. Try To Avoid Being Weird.
This includes long bouts of silence, awkwardness—really anything that’ll make them feel uncomfortable. You want to be that friend that they’re excited to invite over. Not the one who’s a hot, fiery, walking ball of discomfort.
One time when my couple friends came over, I lost sight of my priorities and read them the rap limerick I had scribbled down 5 minutes prior to their arrival. That misstep put me in the doghouse for almost a week! It wasn’t fun.
6. Be Easy To Please.
If you’re chilling with a couple at their place and it’s not the tidiest, just keep quiet. Know why? Because you’re already there. You already got the in. Who are you to judge their hygiene?
Smell something funny? Deal with it. See a roach? Pet it. Don’t watch Game Of Thrones? Well, guess what? with them, you do. Got it? Good.
7. Get A Puppy.
If you’re lazy and don’t have time for personality or behavior adjustments, just get a pup. Sure-fire way to reel those couples in. So you have a substantial animal to take care of for at least the next decade? So what? At least you’ll have friends while doing it.
Here, a case in point:
8. Always Smell Good.
Sometimes I think about how unfair it is that a couple friend’s house could smell like putrid stank and I’d still come running back, but yet I make sure I’m buried in roses, white jasmine, and a hint of mint every time I see them. Then I remember that life isn’t fair and I’d better maintain this sweet smell if I want to keep my friends.
9. Be Funny.
Who doesn’t want the funny friend around? Seriously, who? A plus is you’ll be the only one invited over immediately after a serious fight. They want you around to lighten the mood. So just make sure not to fuck it up.
10. Be Self-Loathing.
Sort of in the same category as “Be Funny,” but…different. You see, as a happy couple it’s been a hot minute since they’ve seen any first-hand self-loathing. Don’t interpret that as a reason to hold back. They find your misery and desperation cute and charming. Run with it.