1. Kimye’s Wedding
If I’m going to go to a wedding, it better be worth it. I’m talking goodie bags—TOP TIER goodie bags (mama needs some new facial moisturizer); I’m talkin’ grade A people watching and a guest performance by Jay-Z. But most of all, I want this event to be big enough that you won’t notice my missing gift to you, or when I sneak out at 10pm and pull an Irish goodbye on the entire bridal party.
2. An Invitation to North Korea
To each is own, okay? Your heart gets all warm and fuzzy around true and unadulterated love, while I get that same warm feeling around tyrannical dictators. Just kidding. They don’t make me warm and fuzzy, I just feel much more at home in a precarious and hostile environment rather than a loving one.
3. Your Baby Shower
Baby showers typically come after the wedding, when all the excitement and the novelty has worn off, leaving the wife/mom/bride much more grounded. She no longer has that everyone-bow-down-to-me mindset. She’s also pregnant, and therefore 30 pounds heavier, which adds yet another element of modesty and self-loathing that her wedding will obviously lack.
4. A Scandal Viewing Party
Because the way you two feel and are acting on your wedding day is in no way a reflection of the future state of your marriage. You guys are being showered with gifts and attention in a way that you’ll never again experience for the rest of your waking lives. Which is why I’ll take a steamy Olivia Pope and Fitz sex scene, followed by some weak girl shit, because at least that’s more true to reality.
5. An Obscure Cousin’s Bar Mitzvah
These tend to take place in a small suburb and typically feature throngs of children and middle-aged parents. In other words, not a single friend or familiar face (aside for your family) in sight. Which means I can eat as many pigs in a blanket and drink as many watered-down cranberry vodkas as my heart desires without having to fear I’m being judged. Also it’s 70% more likely that someone at this party (as opposed to your wedding) will have a joint on them.
6. Naked Party
These exist, specifically at Yale. And I don’t mean that in a naked-but-you-still-got-your-panties-and-bra-on-kind-of-way. I mean stark naked. As in, you-better-vaseline-your-nipples-if-you-don’t-want-them-to-get-chapped naked. That’s how much I don’t want to put on heels for your wedding.
7. The Butterfly Exhibit
It’s probably not still going on but for years there was a butterfly exhibit at the Natural History Museum (or at least what felt like years). And, you see, this has always been a heated topic for me seeing as I hate moths. And uh, funny story…MOTHS ARE BUTTERFLIES, just uglier. They are the same nasty creatures who viciously flap their wings in your face. I remember when someone first told me about the butterfly exhibit.
“You walk into a room full of butterflies, it’s wonderful!” she said.
“Do they give you a fly swatter?” was my response.
I’ve spent what feels like my whole life trying to avoid this exhibit and yet I’d rather go to it than your wedding.
8. A Laser Tag Party
Must I really explain myself with this one?
9. My Ex-Boyfriend’s Wedding
Because at least I’d be making some progress with my life, i.e. getting closure from this dude and moving on. Going to your wedding would be negative progress. Watching you and your new husband in love will propel me into a catatonic state of depression.
10. A Gingerbread House Decorating Party
As I see it, you guys are eventually, ultimately, trying to build a home for yourselves. Well why can’t you let me do the same? Sure my home might be a home for ants; it might have a roof made of gum drops, windows made of icing, and will ultimately end up being devoured by me. But a home’s a home.