1. Play Rihanna’s “Stay”
Invite dude over. Get all high and awkward. Leave alcohol out of this—he’ll only ameliorate the discomfort and therefore lessen the effectiveness of your ruse. Play Rihanna’s “Stay” and just sort of stare at him creepily. You can raise an eyebrow when she hits the high point (“I want you to staaaaaaaay”), but c’est tout. C’EST TOUT! When the song is over, you can start talking again, but just stay weird and keep that ditty on loop.
2. Have a gross drunk munchies moment
Drink yourself into the kind of drunken stupor that gives rise to drunk munchies. But not just any drunk munchies. The kind where you’re so ravenous you would forthrightly eat a squirrel, caught and cooked here in Brooklyn. Make your way over to a house party with a fully-stocked kitchen. Make a beeline for the fridge, and go HAM. Take out a cooked, day-old burger; some salsa; some sautéed corn; a dollop of avocado and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter; and croutons—lay ’em on there. Put it all in the microwave for three minutes and then slurp it up as you would a soup. If any man should be watching you at this very moment, you will have not only lost him, but singed a memory onto his soul as well.
3. Shart in his bed
Something happened, you’re not quite sure what, but here you are, talking to this really cute dude at a bar, and your stomach is starting to act up. You soldier on and it works—you forget about it. That is, until the night is finally over and your stomach starts to bubble up again when you two are in bed together, sleeping. “Fuck,” dude thinks to himself the first time you fart, thinking it was him. He’s even about to apologize to you, until he senses a fetid odor. “Hehehe” you laugh, sort of. See, here’s the thing: You’ve sharted in his bed. What do you do? You get up and help him change the sheets is what you do and you stay there! Oh yes you do, you’ll stick it out and then trust me, by morning, you won’t have to hear from him again.
4. Do this
You. Bed. Airplane neck pillow. Retainer. B.O. Google glasses. Dude. Walks in. Be like, “Got a secret to tell you.” Smelly burp in dude’s face. And…you’re good to go! If he still doesn’t budge, have him call me.
5. So you creep (just keep it on the down low)
Start acting like an unmistakable creep. Like, dude-is-thinking-of-calling-the-cops-on-your-ass creepy. If you’re not that close with dude, make your Facebook profile picture a Photoshopped photo of you two looking affectionate. Start showing up at his place, unbidden, and at odd times, like 7am. And those times when you do show up at his place early, make sure to stand over his bed and stare at him until he wakes up. He might even get a restraining order!
6. Stare your heart out
But don’t stop there. Stare at him a lot. When he showers. When he reads. When he’s on the computer. When he’s on the toilet.
7. Do un-sexy things naked
De-robe and then hack up some phlegm. Maybe do some physical labor. Or perhaps you’ll just shimmy. Really, the choice is yours. If you’re at a loss as to what you can do, refer to Seinfeld, season 9, episode 9, “The Apology” (re: “Naked hair brushing—goooood. Naked crouching—baaaaad.”)
8. Make hullabaloo over waxes
If you’ve been sleeping with dude, talk about your pubes a lot. Ask him over and over if he minds your bush. Even when he says “no,” make it into a feminist argument on the double standards that exist within genders. Reluctantly agree to a bikini wax, even though he doesn’t really care and didn’t even ask you to get one. Be very indignant. For instance, if he asks you to grab dinner later say something like, “Well I COULD. If I wasn’t spending a gratuitous $90 to get the hair sockets ripped out from my vagina, and all so that it can look like Dr. Evil’s cat.” Then make him come with you to get the wax.
9. Take poop talk up a notch
Isn’t it great when you and dude get to the sharing-bowel-movements level of comfort? Well something you can do to cloak this lighthearted banter in a dark, sinister veil is to crank it up a notch. Instead of asking him if he just pooped in the privacy of your own home, ask him when he gets up to go to the bathroom at a group dinner. Something like “I know what you’re about to doooo *WINK*” Then in a loud whisper to the rest of the table be like, “He hasn’t shit all day and if I know my man, he does NOT stand for a poop-less day. Am I right, sweetie?”