Top 9 Things Guys Should Be Embarrassed Of But For Some Reason Aren’t

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Sometimes when I’m feeling especially pathetic—say, hung up on a guy who has long since moved on—I have penis envy. To be able to walk around with such a commanding, straightforward organ . To have the capacity to never, ever empathize—not with the girl you banged last night and left early in the morning, not with your ex who you monstrously cheated on, and not even with that little puppy over there tied to that telephone booth. But then I glance at this list, come to my senses, and thank the heavens that I was born a woman.

1. Treating girls like poo

It strikes me as odd, because I’m pretty sure your average guy wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to raise his hand in class and triumphantly recount the time he told his mother to clean the cum out of her ears, because maybe then she’d listen. So then why is it cool to boast to your friends about things that would make your girlfriend cry?

2. Smelly balls

I realize it may be difficult to actually get a good whiff of your balls, but has it never crossed your mind that two organs packed tightly between an organ that excretes pee and another organ that excretes feces might have a sharp, fetid, and faint-inducing odor?

3. Gross eating habits

Just why? Why do you have to eat like such an uncivilized pig? I was reminded of this the other day as I watched a guy friend spit out an olive pit as if he was throwing it up.

4. Farting

I’ll never forget the first time a boyfriend of mine farted in front of me. We were in the bathroom together, each in two adjacent stalls, when all of a sudden—and without warning—he passed the most aggressive gas I’ve ever witnessed. My ears will never un-hear what they heard.

5. Liking Drake

I can’t just sit idly by, and with a straight face, pretending that Drake is as big of a baller as you say he is.

6. Drinking cocktails

It’s actually quite befitting—the pink tone of the Kir Royale even matches your magenta tie! Which reminds me, can I borrow a tampon? Or is it already in your vagina?

7. Porn

You shouldn’t be embarrassed that you watch porn—that’s totally cool and natural and healthy and blah blah blah…It’s just the kind of porn you watch, and the amount you watch it, that I find irksome. Like, it makes me REALLY uncomfortable that you watch exclusively MILF porn, and for at least three hours a day. That is so deeply unnatural.

8. Pubes

I find it rather unnerving that men with shaggy bathroom mats or slabs of artificial turf literally growing on their genitals have the gall to ask girls to get a wax. It’s like being interrogated as to why you’re treating your girlfirend badly by Chris Brown and O.J. Simpson. Simply hypocritical

9. Going to strip clubs

Honestly, what is it with guys? Paying hundreds of dollars for a girl to sit on your lap? Totally commendable. But lose a tennis match and suddenly you’re mortified. TC mark

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