1. Invite strange man over; get high
One thing that will definitely speed things along for you is smoking weed. Start off by inviting some guy over who you hardly know–make it unclear whether you intend on keeping your friendship platonic, just to add a touch of tension (and ambiguity, which is encouraged in these situations). Then, when he arrives, twist one up and plunge into a twenty-minute, palpable silence.
2. Tell a joke
Jokes can go over well, or they can flop. And for us awkward types, they routinely flop. But there are ways to ensure said floppage. You could make an inappropriate joke to the wrong crowd. Like, your work friends would totally find your I’m-going-to-rape-that-7-year-old-boy-who-looks-like-a-younger-version-of-my-boyfriend joke, but how about your police academy friends? You could also pull the ol’ poorly-timed joke like this one to, say, a group of battered teens: What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can’t peanut butter my cock down your throat.
You know those times when you say a joke to a group of people and no one acknowledges it? Well if you’re aiming for awkward–which I know you are–you should try giving the joke another go-around. Still no response? Then congratulations, you’ve made it.
3. Get high and go to public event
As I mentioned before, getting high is a sure-fire way to get on that awkward tip, and fast. Try smoking a joint before a very public event and if you don’t feel at all awkward then please see me as soon as possible because I need to know your secret.
4. Do an investigative reporting piece on the porn industry
Ideally this will extend into months of research, which will inevitably lead you to at least one visit to your grandma during the process. Cavalierly bring it up in conversation to her and you’re good to go.
5. Be my dad
Namely, have the rhythm of Susan Boyle and the anxious temperament of Steve Martin in Father of the Bride. Have 90% of the television you watch be Fox News, but then also develop a curious proclivity for Amanda Bynes’s movies. Laugh at jokes two minutes too late, and wear crocs. (Sorry Dad)
6. Watch an awkward hug
Watch two, shy, uncomfortable teenagers hug it out. It will be painful.
7. Be that annoying fan to your celebrity crush
You know that feeling that creeps up on you upon seeing your favorite celebrity? You want to play it cool, but you just literally can’t help the fact that there’s a gravitational pull drawing you to him/her? Well, to achieve awkwardness you’re going to want to act on that urge. In fact, go balls out. It helps if you have sweaty palms
8. Sleep with a coworker
Then go to work the next day.
9. Someone goes in for a pound? You go in for a handshake
You see someone is going in for a fist pump. Well pull a fast one on them and go in for a handshake instead. Then when the awkwardness collides, you can grab onto his fist for a final touch.
10. Wave at strangers
If you’re walking down the street and notice someone in the distance waving at—who you believe to be—you, don’t second-guess it. Start waving back, enthusiastically. If all goes well, the person will be waving to someone behind you.
11. Do either of these things on a first date
Order black squid ink spaghetti. Vomit. First dates are a cauldron of awkward opportunities.
12. Interrupt conversations to make a point
If you’re in a group of friends who are deep in conversation, try and shimmy your way in there with an anecdote. Get cut off. Then repeat.
13. Be the sober one
Go to a rave completely sober. No really, that’s it.
14. Go to a New Years party alone
About five minutes before the countdown, start eyeing some stranger really creepily. Then, keep eyeing him as his girlfriend approaches him for the midnight kiss.
15. Go on Tindr
And have a conversation with someone. That is all.
16. Sleep in a guy’s bed and fart
Fart so loud, in fact, that you wake yourself up. Then spend the next five hours, from 5am-10am, not only awake, but as alert as a sniper. Watch his every move, every flutter of the eyelid. Any sign that he heard your fart. This will instill a sharp anxiety in you for at least the rest of the day.
17. Develop a tick
Twitching, snapping, blinking, burping. The choice is yours!
18. Bring up your insecurities in conversation
Typically, insecurities live inside one’s own head and are unnoticeable to others. So in this case, all you’re doing is bringing attention to something that would otherwise go unnoticed. I for one like to go for the ol’ ‘stache—as in, “I see you looking at my mustache. I know it’s really bad right now. I tried tweezing the black hairs this morning, etc.”