1. Sarah Jessica Parker
It’s easy to let that equine countenance obliterate any memory of Sarah Jessica Parker in her glory years. But not me. When I close my eyes and imagine SJP, I’ll always envision her à la Girls Just Want To Have Fun, with her big hair, just pimping it, or SJP à la the early years of Sex And The City, when she looked basically the same as she did in Girls Just Want To Have Fun except she’s adorned in a Carrie gold name plate necklace, a Dolce & Gabanna red mini dress and a pair of Manolo Blahniks.
2. Lena Dunham
I actually think she’s gorge. Like, GORGE. Her face has this Lolita-like look to it—completely flawless and free of blemishes or wrinkles. I don’t know why everyone pours so much scorn upon her; she talks about things like her thigh creases with such poise. I feel like our inevitable friendship would be an unshakable one.
3. Lady Gaga
I don’t understand how there can be such a pervasive consensus on the internet that Lady Gaga is ugly, when the girl’s face is as familiar as Daft Punk’s. To know what in the hell she even looks like is a tremendous feat in itself, but to call her ugly is just simply wrong. Why, because her nose is kind of obstructive? Um, hey, have you guys ever heard of Giselle? Or, I don’t know…Uma Thurman? It’s called CHARACTER.
4. Maya Rudolph
She seems like the type of friend who would easily cheer you up after a break up, and who will always have your back. She was BFF with Gwyneth Paltrow in high school and doesn’t seem to be anymore. And, well, giving Gwyneth one less friend is a beautiful thing. She’s also that rare Drake breed of half black/half Jewish. I rest my case.
5. Tilda Swinton
Place me in a glass box and I bet you $5 million I’d be buried underground in two hours or less. So the fact that Tilda Swinton did this unscathed should already signal importance. Not to mention the fact that she did this at the MOMA and drew a massive crowd. Tilda Swinton might be an alien, but she’s Cambridge educated and has no publicists, so it all evens out. But her hotness really lies in her unequivocal resemblance to David Bowie.
6. Chloë Sevigny
Uh hey, I have a riddle for you. Why did Chloe Sevigny’s bare legs cross the road? Because she just decided, out of the good of her heart, to do a service to all of mankind. She may boast a gratuitous umlaut, but the girl’s legs are from another planet. I’d like to rummage through her closet with her, look through old polaroids, and play dress-up while she talks about herself and plays The Smiths (hopefully) loud enough to drown out he voice.
7. Khloe Kardashian
“Khloe is the prettiest Kardashian hands down!” I insightfully critiqued while keeping up with the Kardashians. This fact is sort of like The Pope’s prestige. You’re not sure why this is the case, other than the fact that it is and no one questions it.
8. Courtney Love
Sure, she may have procured Chris Farley’s heart and soul after he passed, but she was married to Kurt Cobain. Maybe he saw something in her that we will never see. Maybe that thing he saw was a gaping vagina that came and spoke to him at nightfall. Either way, he chose her. And so, by extension, she is categorically hot.
9. Tina Fey
“Straight Greek eyebrows. They start at the hairline of my temple and, left unchecked, will grow straight across my face and onto yours,” so goes Tina Fey in Bossypants when recounting her body parts for which she’s thankful. Tina Fey’s charm lies in her tendency to self-lacerate—which, as it happens, also makes it easy to write her off as ugly. Another thing that’s not exactly helping her cause is her resemblance to Sarah Palin. But seriously, do yourself a favor and just take a quick gander at her. If you still think she’s ugly then you have bad taste.
10. Hilary Swank
Hilary Swank is often deemed mannish, particularly after playing a dude and then a boxer in Million Dollar Baby. But as someone who cannot gain an ounce of muscle, I can honestly tell you that I rarely feel safe. I can hardly open those exit doors down in the subway that set off alarms. All I have to say is, we should all be so lucky to have the strapping figure of Hilary Swank.
11. Gabourey Sidibe
Yes, she is bloated…with JOY. According to Facebook, she likes “Repping Harlem, flirting with guys, and making pancakes.” She also attended 23 ‘N Sync concerts and was quoted as saying “Who hasn’t dated a gay dude?” That is all.