1. Get Plastic Surgery
Getting plastic surgery is totally not frowned upon in The Hamptons. In fact, it’s a great conversation starter. It helps if you bewail your surgeon or the state of your face. Something like, “I think my old nose is growing back” or “I think my cheek implants are reacting badly to this ceviche” will almost certainly draw a crowd.
2. Be Unphased By Expenses
When the cab driver turns around to tell you that’ll be $70 for those 5 miles from East Hampton to Bridgehampton, don’t protest. Surrender to the injustice of it all. Hand over those $70 like you’re handing over a Tic Tac. No one likes a peasant.
3. Buy Coffee at The Golden Pear
So there’s this coffee shop chain in The Hamptons called The Golden Pear where you will buy your $6.00 soy latte if you know what’s good for you. The baristas are premium, grade A. Their coffee sucks, but that’s not the point. The point is to be seen, and to learn how to say, “Ugh, so hung over. NEED Golden Pear.”
4. Don’t Be Modest
Modesty is not what’s up. You’re going to want to flaunt your recent feats—whether it’s finding a new job or getting a promotion at your dad’s firm. Even if no one asks, casually slip it into the conversation. For instance, “Oh, I can’t tomorrow, I’m investing in a movie.”
5. Have Pretentious Playtime
One time an 8-year-old me went over to my friend’s house in The Hamptons for a play date. She suggested we play in her mother’s new Porsche. I was confused as to how her mother could buy a porch. “Aren’t you renting this house?” I kept asking her. Long story short, I was not deemed cool enough for Porsche playtime.
6. Yell at The Help
It’s always a plus to not only have a couple maids always handy, but to yell at them when there’s a lull in your dinner party conversation. Sternness with the help is always a good sign of character. Some examples: “I asked for bottled EVIAN, Maria, not bottled Fiji,” “I’m paying this guy $2,500 a week and he doesn’t even know how to trim a goddamn hedge,” or “Mariaaaaa! Could you add crushed snapdragon stems to my goji berry and cayenne pepper bath?”
You’re going to want to take a fun activity for your average Joe Schmo, and just Hamptify it. Because when it comes down to it, people who go to The Hamptons—they’re just like us! Take beer pong. Hamptifying this game is easy: buy yourself a beer pong table pool raft, load up on Rosé, et voilà! Rosé pong in the pool.
8. Drive Nice Cars
Ideally you’ll be driving a BMW, Mercedes, or something of that stature, but if you find yourself in an Acura pickle, don’t worry, I got you covered. Because it’s not about what you’re driving but how you drive it. Pay no heed to parking signs, as if you’re a king exempt of all normal people duties. If that doesn’t work, just turn to a friend and ask, “Does this Honda make me look poor?” The message is clear: you’re not thrilled to be driving a Honda, and you’re aware of what it represents.
9. Be A Dolt
Stupidity will take you a long way out East. It’s not even about being stupid; as long as you sound stupid, you’re golden. Ask friends if there’s any caviar stuck in your teeth, or, “Do I have any coke in my nose?” Another good one for when guests are over: “Honey, I think we’re missing a car.”