The Pam Anderson Roast
1. Jimmy Kimmel
She was the first person to appear spread-eagle in Reader’s Digest, and she graduated from high school…The woman has screwed more musicians than Napster…Pam has two boys, beautiful boys Brandon and Dylan—children that, when they were born, actually walked out of her vagina. It’s that big. It played the cave in Batman Begins.
2. Greg Giraldo
Speaking of anal warts, good to see Courtney Love here. Courtney, what the hell happened to you? You had a great band, you’re a very talented actress, your career dried up faster than Sarah Silverman’s pussy with guys who can’t help her in the business.
3. Jeff Ross
Courtney Love, you’re like the girl next door. If you lived next to a methadone clinic.
4. David Spade
[Pam,] you have two boys with [Tommy Lee], sweet kids, I’ve met them. They must love having you for a mom, I’m sure their friends love to come over for MILF and cookies.
5. Jimmy Kimmel
[announcing Sarah Silverman] Our next performer is where I put my penis when I’m thinking about Pamela Anderson. She is one of only two people in this room who have given me a blowjob—that’s right I’m looking at you Carolla. She is one of the hairiest women on the planet, she is the Zira to my Cornelius, please say hello to the apple of my eye and the plum of my anus, Sarah Silverman
6. Sarah Silverman
Now I don’t really know Pam personally, but I’ll never forget the first time I saw her asshole. i knew she had that special something—I couldn’t put my finger in it.
The Joan Rivers Roast
7. Kathy Griffin
Our Joan started out in Brooklyn as little Joan Molinsky. You know, my Joanie, Jewish girls are supposed to grow up and marry doctors, not support them. Joan is not an orthodox Jew, but men still fuck her through a sheet so they don’t have to look at that face.
8. Jeff Ross
[Joan], who’s your plastic surgeon, Tim Burton?
The Charlie Sheen Roast
9. Seth MacFarlane
[introducing Mike Tyson] He’s a guy who has beaten every opponent he has gone up against except the letter “s”…[Charlie Sheen] is the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.
10. Jeff Ross
But there’s no denying the fact that Mike Tyson had the hardest hitting right hook in history. Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives. Too soon, too soon? Too real, too real?
The Bob Saget Roast
11. Greg Girlado
I read an interview where you referred to yourself as an artist. An artist, are you kidding me? you used the phrase “as an artist.” You are a vortex of artistic compromise
12. Jeff Ross
Bob Saget is a sick bastard. he has two daughters in college and three girlfriends in high school…And although Bob Saget isn’t an insult comic, I still get insulted when people call him a comic.