The Teen Choice Awards aired this past weekend. My 25th birthday is next week. The combination of these two things has brought upon me the realization that I’m getting old. The following is how I know I’m getting old…
1. I had no idea who any of the “stars” at the Teen Choice Awards were…
…except for Donald Sutherland. He’s a Hollywood legend. Who the hell are those hooligans standing next to him? Seriously. And what’s a Zendaya? Why do all the fan groups name themselves, isn’t that how cults start?
2. I don’t really understand Ariana Grande.
From what I gather, Ariana Grande is sort of like mini a pre-Glitter Mariah Carey. She appears to be about 12 years old and wears exclusively Barbie clothes. When’s her bed time? Someone get her a chocolate milk and tell her skirts need to be finger-tip length.
3. Um, do minutes exist anymore?
I ask myself this all the time. I feel like they don’t exist but I’m still paralyzed with fear when I talk on the phone for more than ten minutes. Was I that badly traumatized from being grounded for going over my minutes? Are you just allowed to talk on the phone as long as you want now? What about texting? Is that all unlimited? I don’t get it.
4. What about flip phones?
The coolest phone used to be the Motorola Razr, not the iPhone. I was there for that. I lived through that. I experienced that in my life. Also, I didn’t make a typo. That’s actually how Motorola deliberately chose to spell Razr. That was a choice. On purpose.
5. I panic whenever I realize someone is younger than me.
Jennifer Lawrence is 23 and has an Oscar. She was born in 1990. It feels like all these new famous people were born 90′s. I was born in the 80′s. 89, but still. I’m a dinosaur. An unaccomplished dinosaur.
6. I still own VHS tapes.
And I treasure them. I also have a vast CD collection and an original iPod nano. The very thought of them becoming obsolete puts me in a catatonic state of grief.
7. If I hear good song lyrics…
I immediately think about putting them in my AIM away message, only to remember nobody uses AIM anymore. The last time I used AIM was high school. Which was seven years ago. Crying somewhere, Bye.
8. When someone mentions James Bond…
I picture Pierce Brosnan.