Dorothy Parker was one witty woman. She was a wonderful writer, a founding member of the Algonquin Circle, and a complete badass.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!
Four be the things I’d have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host.
Tell him I was too fucking busy – or vice versa.
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
If I didn’t care for fun and such,
I’d probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned.
Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.
If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.
I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are: Cheque Enclosed.
Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.