Makeup is a woman’s ultimate security blanket, diminishing flaws, elevating assets, and fashioning an outer and inner glow that says, “I put my face on and I am put together.” Men sometimes wear makeup too, for work as a news anchor, in a theatrical production, or in other contexts. In a liberated world, many people pride themselves on wearing makeup. Makeup is an art that abides by rules, and yet those rules are also meant to be broken sometimes. Nobody really expects you to wear makeup as a teenager at all, unless it’s for an afterschool job or from the insinuations of your older sister. You don’t need to wear makeup to class in college, unless your mom told you that you need to practice dressing professionally as soon as possible. And certainly days off don’t require even a tinted foundation! Feel like you have bad skin? You can’t see it! It’s everybody else’s problem now!
You don’t need makeup when you’re dropping off your kids at school, you don’t need makeup when you’re getting coffee with a friend, and you can take off your makeup as soon as you get home from work. When do you actually need to wear makeup, besides for work? Lady Gaga says, “Whether I’m wearing lots of makeup or no makeup, I’m always the same person inside.” Abide by this quote, in your abode and out, and enjoy the feeling of freedom and the other following benefits to not wearing makeup!
1. Enjoy a rainy day without an umbrella. Tired of fumbling around with a bulky, wet umbrella? There are sexier ways to bump into strangers! Now I feel like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption after he escapes from prison!
2. Touch your face freely. Sexily push a lock of hair off of your face, pose a fist on your chin with pensiveness, rub your eyes with liberation! Now I’m smiling more than when I was wearing makeup!
3. A lack of makeup means it won’t transfer to your partner’s face and clothes. There’s nothing sexy about a lipstick stained collar that doesn’t come out at the dry cleaners! Now you can play together more impulsively!
4. Eat a taco, and then wash your face. Really dive in there, like a lunch oasis in the middle of the desert! Eat with reckless abandon, now that you have abandoned your makeup routine! After your taste of freedom, freely wash your face off and feel all clean again, and ready for a hot reuben sandwich for dinner!
5. Makeup won’t get on the inside of your hat. Put on a fresh headpiece without the rainbow of foundations from seasons prior! Now I feel as fresh as a male Jersey Shore cast member who waits to put on a clean T-shirt until right before it’s time to leave the house and go to the club!
6. No stubborn lipstick stains on mugs. Let loose and sip how you please! No need to match each sip with a lipstick stain. An errant sip will no longer extend your lipstick on your face to above your cupid’s bow. Still like the feminine feeling of seeing that red, juicy smack on your glass? Get a mug with lipstick painted on it! There’s one at the Wendy Williams store!
7. Feel like a kid again. Babies have the cutest little countenances! Is it because they’ve never worn restrictive makeup before, which inhibited their facial expressions? Become reacquainted with all of your juvenile expressions when you could be cute and not need to smile yet. You had an irresistible pout before you fashioned one out of lip liner and lip plumper!
8. Make amplified and funny expressions freely. The next time you’re not wearing makeup, squeeze your eyes closed so tightly your cheeks feel inside your eyelids. “Ahh,” you say with catharsis. Do this and stick out your tongue playfully the next time somebody makes a joke. Without makeup, your mascara won’t be all over your eyebrows!
9. Sleep in later. Whether it takes you 8 seconds to put on lipgloss or 80 minutes to contour, that’s time you could have spent on sleeping! Trade in all of your beauty products for that extra beauty sleep!
10. Smush a mosquito on your face and wipe it off. The mosquito will have a much more dignified death not being covered in talc! It too does not need to be smothered in makeup!