This is a letter I will never send or let you read. So let me try this again.
I need you to love me with everything you have. I want to be shown off on every social media. I don’t want to ever feel the feeling of being hidden. I don’t want feel the feeling of being not enough. I never want to feel the feeling of being ignored. I want you to teach me how to love myself. I’ve tried multiple times to love myself and it’s slowly coming along. But I need something more. I need someone who will always be for me even when I’m rude or mad at them. I need someone to really show me that they love me. I need someone who is going to be there when shit really gets hard. I need the best of the best. I want the best of the best. I want someone to be proud of me and I want to feel like they’re proud of my accomplishments. I want them to make me feel smart. So intelligent that everything I say knocks them out of the water. But what I don’t need is someone disrespecting me the way he does. I don’t need the pettiness or the extraness. I want adventure. I want to go to the movie theaters with him without complaining about how anxious he gets. I want to stay up until 2 am just talking to him about almost nothingness until we fall asleep. I don’t want him to ever feel the need to tell me, “It’s fine,” when I know damn well it’s not. I don’t want him to blame me for things I didn’t do because he can’t cope with his own issues. I don’t want him to make me feel like a headache the way he does. I want the first boy I talked about. I want him, but I have this new boy who used to be the first boy. He’s changed and I have too and I don’t know how to cope or deal with this incredible pain. I’m in love with the first and the second boy, but I want the first one back. I need him back way more than he needs me.
I feel numb.
I feel nothing.
When will he be him again?
The girlfriend who you claim is enough, but doesn’t feel like it.