Let me preface this by saying that I am obsessed with Red, on the level of a celebrity stalker who mails their hair with a note saying, “I just thought you could use this!!!” Given the option of every album in the world, I literally only listen to Red. You might think I’m exaggerating, and I guess I am, because sometimes, maybe once a month, I listen to Wrecking Ball. Otherwise, it’s all Red, all the time.
Because of this obsession, I feel qualified to talk about some lyrics that I find confusing and/or disturbing. Taylor, I want you to know that I don’t blame you for these. We all say nonsensical stuff sometimes. At the office party, I pulled one of my coworkers aside and told her she was my “seventh favorite person in the office.” So I feel you, girl, I know how it goes. Nevertheless, here are 10 lyrics that I assume you wrote in the middle of a terrifying fever dream.
What kind of hellscape features crossword puzzles that have no right answer? This seriously sounds like an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, where a kid is stuck in a giant crossword overseen by a cigar-smoking magician. I can’t imagine how pissed off I would be if I was doing a crossword, and I got stuck, and then the person who created it told me that there was no way to get it right anyway. I have never punched anyone in the face, but I would punch that person into oblivion. So unless this lyric means, “Fighting him was like doing a thing that would never happen because it would cause mass rioting,” I am confused.
I don’t know about you, but singing is not how I react to getting lost on a road trip. Maybe if the lyrics to the song go: “Why didn’t you indicate there was a turn back there/ I don’t know why you volunteered to navigate if you were just going to play with your iPhone the whole time/You are such an idiot and I want to break up.” I think this is a trope of romantic songs, though, that getting lost is an indication of being madly in love. Let’s just go out into the woods and get lost, we’re so in love that we don’t even care! Night is coming and we have no idea where we left the car! Can you make a lean-to out of your sweatshirt, because it’s getting cold and I can hear wolves approaching! I hope you can wield a makeshift torch as a weapon!
I have some significant problems with “Stay Stay Stay” anyway, mainly the lyric, “You think that it’s funny when I’m mad.” Excuse me, my emotions are not a joke. Can you imagine being with someone who started laughing every time you were legitimately pissed off? I would change the lyrics to “Stay Stay Stay Here, While I Get the Divorce Papers for You to Sign.” Anyway, I think this specific lyric is disturbing because it raises some serious questions about the mental stability of Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. Why is he wearing a football helmet? Is it a joke about how he’s going to tackle her? Is he afraid of banging his head on something because he often falls down mid-sentence? Is he a pro football player who only has a few minutes to talk about their fight before leading the Vikings to victory? It’s unknown, and unknowns are scary.
The phrase “you open your eyes into mine” is gross. It sounds like two people have their eyes pressed up against each other. It just doesn’t make sense. I want it to make sense, but it doesn’t. I imagine that Taylor Swift’s boyfriend is taking a nap, and she lays on top of him and presses her eyeballs against his eyelids, and then he opens his eyes into hers and … everything feels better. I assume because she has sedated him prior to doing this.
I Googled “60s queen” and I just don’t think it’s a thing. Let’s set aside the fact that “The Lucky One” is a lesser remake of Britney Spears’ “Lucky,” because I can’t get into that right now. Maybe I’m too old to know about the hip trends, but I’m pretty sure no one has ever said about a popular girl, “She came back over the summer, and she was suddenly a 60s queen.” And speaking of which:
We get it, Taylor, you’re obsessed with royalty. I just question the logistics of this plan. These people snuck into a yacht club party, pretending to be two relatively unrelated aristocratic figures from England? Where was this party, and how on earth would anyone possibly believe that? I would be more into it if the next lyric was, “And then we got thrown out immediately, because I was wearing a tank top.” My plan from now on is to announce myself as a duchess, pretty much wherever I go. “Don’t bag my groceries, Trader Joe’s employee, my servants will do that. Because you see, I am a Duchess.”
This one isn’t so bad, and in fact, I love how it sounds. I just also love the idea of a guy who asks this question of every girl he meets. “Hey, I’m Dan. Sooo, before we take this any further, how many James Taylor records do you own?” “Uhh, two— ” “I OWN TWENTY, I EVEN OWN HIS BENEFIT GARBAGE WITH JONI MITCHELL.” I don’t want to know that guy. And you know what, I’m pretty sure that if a girl had as many James Taylor records as him, he wouldn’t be happy about it. Those types of people never are.