Being single is a precious gift. You get to do whatever the fuck you want, with whomever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want. For the most part. But what to do with all of that energy typically reserved for dating other people?!
Why, date yourself, you dumbfuck!
Don’t really know how? That’s totally okay, you wonderful lovebug you! (I was just kidding about the dumbfuck^) Just follow these simple steps for self-dating success!
Step 1: Get to know yourself…
1. Google yourself
2. Creep your Facebook profile & cover photos for any remnants of exes
3. Send mixed messages. Smile at yourself in the mirror once and then don’t look at yourself for the rest of the day
4. Talk about all those amazing goals that you’re definitely doing… nothing about
Step 2: The Actual Dating
1. Start simple. Go buy yourself a drink… and maybe just one more. And, okay, might as well…
2. At the end of every self-date, stand awkwardly outside your house for 5–10 minutes
3. Make sure to constantly talk about your ex… and how you will always love them
4. Plan a whole night for yourself — a nice dinner, dessert, show, and then completely change your plans last minute
5. Make sure this takes up ALL of your free time.
6. And most importantly, stop farting… entirely.
Step 3: Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex
1. Make sure your dildo gets off but you don’t
2. If you ever do O-gasm, make sure to fall asleep immediately
3. Stop cutting your nails
4. No matter when/what you Netflix, start sexing yourself 1/3 of the way through
5. Set your alarm for obscene times throughout the night to wake yourself up to masturbate
Step 4: The Relationship
1. Forget when it is you actually started dating yourself
2. Be cautious about when to say “I love you.” Maybe give it a solid 6 months to see if self-love is really in the cards
3. If you ever DO start seeing someone, make sure to keep in touch with yourself, just in case it doesn’t work out (i.e. benching)
4. Move back in with your parents
5. Okay, now you can start farting again
Step 5: The Breakup
1. Gradually distance yourself emotionally
2. Stop masturbating entirely
3. Sit yourself down and let yourself know: “It’s not me… it’s me”
4. Get drunk and write yourself inappropriate messages
5. Develop a whole new, opposite personality to date
See Step 1.