For the past nine months, I have been submerged into a world of pregnant women and women with children. The stories I’ve heard and the things I’ve witnessed over this period of time have horrified me.
Thanks to lovely new apps that give pregnant women a day-to-day update on what their baby is doing or developing, my pregnant friends have been sharing everything with me, whether I like it or not. I have learned things that scare me, and have made me doubt my capability to handle all that goes on while a seemingly little alien grows inside me.
Childbirth is an amazing insane act that can only be referred to as a miracle, and I in no way mean to cheapen that. I have a whole new respect for those mothers and mothers-to-be because, in short, they are super women. Every pregnancy is different, and I’ve been witness to the good and the bad. Good luck, ladies!
These are just a few of the things that have terrified me into celibacy:
Six Weeks of Bleeding
That’s your own personal red wedding. The six weeks of maternity leave I thought were spent recovering and spending quality time with the newborn are actually six weeks of shedding what could be your body weight in blood.
So Much Vomit
Morning sickness happens and most of us aren’t ignorant to this fact. However, morning sickness can easily turn into week sickness, and no matter where you are, or what you’re doing, you’re going to throw up.
Defecation Inside of You
Oh yeah, that happens. Once you’re about halfway into your pregnancy, the baby growing inside you starts to urinate…inside you. Late in your third trimester I was lucky enough to learn they also have their first bowel movement…inside you. Gross.
A good option, don’t get me wrong; sometimes a C-section is absolutely necessary! Having your abdomen cut open, and guts taken out, though, is just something I’d rather not hear about or see. One lucky person gets to watch the process, and usually they’re either scarred for life or have quite a story afterwards.
Feel it Hiccup and Punch You
For the mother to be, I imagine feeling the baby move inside you is a warm and wonderful feeling. That’s when everything seems so real. For the bystander, it creeps me out a little. I’m sorry, I know you’re thrilled, and I’m happy for you, but I really don’t want to rub my hand on your round tummy, and wait for an alien to kick me.
When the pregnant woman puts the milk in the cupboard the first time, that’s a little forgetful; the second time, it’s very forgetful; the third time, okay this needs to stop; the fourth time, they’re no longer allowed to have any milk. This is more than a little brain fog, and the forgetfulness might not always be something so easily handled as spoiled milk.