It wasn’t easy. There were far too many nights where your chains wore heavy on me and took control of every choice I made. My life revolved around you. You never left me, you never let me leave. We were a toxic combination that thrived on each others weakness. You were my drug of choice, the weapon I used against myself so many times that when I was ready to let you go, I didn’t know how.
The idea of a life without you pulled me in but it didn’t pull me away from you permanently; not at first. Time after time I would lightly flirt with the idea of a life without you. I would dream of my freedom from you and fantasize about a life where I was the only one in control. My dreams became stronger and stronger and slowly they turned into actions. Day after day I would pull away from you and give myself a chance to make my own choices.
There were days I fell, falling back into your trap. I would struggle to get back up but each time I did I understood that a life free from my Eating Disorder was possible. I fell often in the beginning and ED would grab me as hard as possible, drowning me in it’s control. I fought, grasping for my freedom and slowly, I began to stand up after every fall. I slowly but surely began to have a life without you.
Without you I wasn’t forced to do what you wanted. I could be myself, find passions and interests without you. Food became fun again and I could eat and live without remorse, obsession, or hatred.
Without you I was able to love not only myself but I was able to love others without you stealing the show.
The days I spent without you were the days where I felt higher than any moments we’d spent together. The days I lived free from your burden began to grown my ambition and desire to leave you for good. Those days when I felt like crawling back to you became few and far between.
My hunger was growing and I knew I would do anything and everything to fully have freedom from you.
I cut you off without any goodbyes. There wasn’t a single part of me that needed you in my life. Day after day, living free, the memories of you faded until they were gone.
Life without you is liberating. There is no one to make me second guess my choices. No one to tear me down or tell me to change. My eating disorder no longer consumes my every thought and action.
Now, I am free. I’m so free and now when I look back to our abusive and codependent time together, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the girl I was that let you in.
In hindsight it seems so easy to yell at my past self for not leaving you sooner. I feel like it should’ve been much easier, how did I not see that then? But then I remember the power and the force you took me by and I commend my past self for staying so strong and fighting for my freedom day after day.
Ed, I want you to know that life with you made me the person I am today; strong and free.