Envy is the subconcious’ way of registering the absence of something, the void and the desire of that thing all at once. And of course there is envy in the unknown entity, that which we can never truly know or attain.
When I was younger I envied the beautiful girls, the waifish idols that stalked the hallways of my high school with their long hair and boyfriends wedged by their side. I envied them not for what they had, but because it made me aware of what I did not. I didn’t want to be them, I wanted to be me, but with smaller hips and finer features and my crush to walk me to class.
As I grew older, however, and grew less concerned with the politics of high school and more interested in the politics of the real world, my envy shifted from other women to men. I realized I was truly envious of the wrong people all along. Don’t misunderstand. While I love being a woman and all the gifts that has afforded me like the ability to give life, have multiple orgasms and curves that fill out a dress nicely, I realize now that I should have been envious of the boys attached to these girls, because these boys would grow up to be men and being a man means freedom. Doors open, shirts off, balls out. Men get everything.
And I feel like sometimes some men don’t understand how amazing it must be to be them (especially with the recent rash of “it’s so hard to be a dude” articles circulating on the internets), so I made a short list as a reminder to appreciate that Y chromosome.
1. You never have to shave anywhere, ever unless you want to.
This is important because I feel that I have dedicated a large majority of my personal upkeep to hair removal. I am not particularly high maintenance, but I am hairy. Think of all those hours you have to do whatever with.
2. You can grow an epic beard.
Because beards are sexy. I always thought that if I was a man I would grow a beard and just stroke it, pensively all day.
3. You can walk around without a shirt on.
When its hot out you want to be super naked, men can do almost this and in PUBLIC with no shame. This summer alone I have seen hundreds of you in all variations pale, hairy, chubby, fit. You just rock it because it is hot and you can and a thin layer of cotton is one thin layer of cotton too many when its 105 degrees with 98% humidity.
4. You grow old gracefully.
Rugged and world worn, the more thin lines that develop on your faces the more handsome and wise you seem. The term silver fox only pertains to men and means you get to be old and get laid. From what I understand, as a woman I cannot expect these same benefits from aging.
5. You make 30% more money for the same work.
That must be nice.
6. You have swagger.
Maybe it’s because you are trying not to squish your twig and berries, but most men walk with a wide-stanced bravado that I admire and envy. When you walk down the street I not only want to know your name, but what you’re thinking and where you are getting a drink later. A strong walk is an aphrodisiac.
7. You have a penis, otherwise known as a sexual organ on the outside of your body.
Could there be anything better? The penis has always been a point of fascination for me. I mean it is there, right there, just under that thin piece of jean, waiting, biding its time, stalking its prey. Even though it drives me crazy, most of the time I can understand the stereotype of men thinking with their dicks. I mean, if the sensitive bits of my lady parts were that close to world I would be far less inclined to control my impulses let alone be able to have consistent rational thoughts.
8. When you smell, it’s considered rugged and assumed you have been doing sexy manly things.
Sure you may have b.o. and it may be gross, but it is far more socially acceptable for a man to stink like a piece of yuck at high noon on the equator. In fact you probably earned it by chopping wood or welding steel so when ladies nuzzle up to your armpit and take a deep whiff they are less offended and more attracted with the expectation that with the smell is the trade-off, like new shelves or light fixtures or something.
9. You can lose weight and gain muscle at an alarming rate.
When I say I want to lose a few pounds I have to drastically change my diet and start working out 12 times a week. I literally cannot even think about food or I will gain 3 pounds. A guy can say I want to get fit and before the sentence is finished he has dropped five pounds and gained a six pack. And you don’t have the same social pressure to be svelte either so when you look good its like a bonus instead of the expectation. This one makes me all sorts of jealous on so many levels.
10. You have role models everywhere.
This one is a double-edged sword because although you have had a male role model in every conceivable way, for example, you have Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Ghandi. All wonderful men of substance who will forever be admired for their ability to rally people to effect change, but you have also had men at the hands of some heinous shit. You know those unique individuals from the “how the fuck did that happen” annals of history like Hitler, Stalin and most of the world’s serial killers. I wouldn’t envy having them in my column. It is bad enough we have Ann Coulter, Amelda Marcos and Sarah Palin, but they are certainly not on that next level mass murder shit.
11. You can go anywhere, any time.
No toilet paper. No squatting. No pee problems.
12. You have the ability to shift the power dynamic in a relationship.
Okay, this one might not be male-specific, but in my dating history it has been. It doesn’t matter if I begin with the upper hand every guy I have ever been with finds a way to shift it to himself within the first few weeks. I find this incredibly annoying, yet also fascinating. How did he do that? When did that happen? I ask myself as I type out a text message responding to his noncommittal blow-off possible hang maybe question.
So, remember men: you are wonderful and there are a lot of benefits to being you. I envy you and your freedoms. Now go celebrate by throwing out your razors and growing a winter beard. The world needs more sexy.