1. I can’t fix the fact that my jaw clicks while kissing you. My dentist said it had something to do with trauma to the bone when I got my wisdom teeth out. Please don’t act horrified. Trust me it’s louder for me than you.
2. I am never, and I mean never ever going to fake it. You have to earn that shit.
3. I may say a whole bunch of non-sequiturs. I’m naked next to you; it shouldn’t matter in that moment if anybody makes sense.
4. If things were just okay, I’m probably just going to say that in the interest of making it better the next time. Let’s forgive ourselves. We were drunk. Unfortunately, your ego (and my big mouth) may stop there from being a next time.
5. I may get “intense.” Read: you made me feel feelings. Or I may seem “distant.” Read: you did not make me feel feelings. Or I may seem like an “enigma.” Read: maybe I have no opinion yet, or you are bad at reading people. (Note: quotes are actual references of what men have said to me)
6. I may attempt to deflect attention away from your concern about the size of your, ahem, flame, and direct your focus on the intensity of the heat. Because there should be a lot more of that in general. Also, you should know the best place to find the kindling. Confused? Umm-hmm. Ask a lady friend.
7. I am going to act really nonchalant. You should pretend that I am succeeding at being really nonchalant.
8. I’ll ask you about something really awkward after, like your mom.
9. I may walk out early. That doesn’t mean anything except I have to get to the gym. Or that the sex could have been better. (Kidding, not really; doesn’t mean I won’t take your call.)
10. I can’t take your number or ask for it because I don’t trust myself not to use it incorrectly. But I’ll give you mine and you can use it, I promise I had a good time. Don’t let numbers 2, 4, 5, 7, 8 and 9 make you think any different.