How To Be The Most Spiritual Person In The Room

Change your name to Feather. Always say your name in a soft slurring hum. Don’t worry about fully pronouncing the “R” at the end. Let it drift out into the wind. Let it have a good time. Have a baby and name him Finn. Dress Finn in outfits that are made out of dried leaves and seeds. Listen to Finn’s outfit crunch as he walks by. Preserve the earthy sounds in the squiggly insides of a seashell.

Think of everything in relation to nature. Be so at one with nature that your body will start to feel like a tree and trees will start to feel like your body. Forbid yourself from thinking about anything too worldly or material. Shun the news. Abhor politics. Deprive yourself of frilly comforts like TV and air conditioning. Be overheated at all times. Let your body heat up so much that you can feel all of your arm hairs sizzling and sauteeing atop the stove of your skin. Your arm hair will smell like glistening fried chicken. You’ll want to have a bite.

Don’t have a bite. Only eat whole unprocessed foods. Eat apples with the stems, leaves and bark still attached. Appreciate the challenge of digesting bark. Savor the bark’s coarse almondy texture as it chafes against your stomach and intestines. Be grateful for the exquisite balance of the world. Remind yourself that the harsher the challenge, the more florid the reward. As you digest your bark, realize that you are becoming more spiritually whole, more radiantly in control of your life and your experiences.

Lose 20 pounds. Take up veganism. Snort vitamins, herbs and supplements every night. Notice the new yellowy vegany halos under your eyes. Tell yourself you are beautiful, even if in a withered anemic kind of way. See beauty in everyone and everything. If you have trouble finding it, look harder. See the beauty in murderers. See the beauty in the crackly cries of a Ke$sha song. Relish the cheesy charm of throwing a money sign inside your name. Insert one inside your own name. Fe$ther. Lose your last name. You’re a spiritual guru rock star now.

Tell strangers they are beautiful. Tell them you want to curl up beside them. Curl up beside them and imagine that you have morphed into a single sushi roll. Pretend that you are the seaweed and the other person is the rice. Cherish this feeling. When you have friends over, link all of your arms in a billowing flower chain. Stay like that for the rest of the night, everyone asleep on the floor, arms ringed together in the straggly stems.

Wake up smiling and then touch your mouth so you can feel the smile on your skin. Wish that you could track down the saddest person in the world, cut the smile off your face with a scalpel and graph it onto the person’s face. You won’t have a mouth or a smile anymore but that will be okay. You are at peace with yourself. You are so happy you don’t even have to smile.TC Mark

image – kevin.j


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  • Kev


  • nightshaye

    “Change your name to Feather. Always say your name in a soft slurring hum. Don’t worry about fully pronouncing the “R” at the end. Let it drift out into the wind.”
    From “Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby”- “We are Breeze…”

  • Tori

    It sounds like you’re on V or heroin.

    • Fajita

      Haha V is exactly what I was thinking!

      • Chelsea

        I love this, it’s brilliant!

      • rivkaleah

        Wish I had that excuse. :(

  • Brandon Humphries

    This made my ass twitch, and not in a good way.

  • Lo

    This is by the far the funniest shit I have ever read on thoughtcatalog

    • rivkaleah

      Thanks dear.

  • Jack H.

    This is dumb. Well, to be fair, it’s funny, but I was hoping for something serious. I agree there is a lot of woo-woo spiritual types out there just like this who think they are deep because they stared at their reflection in a puddle revealing their love for nature as themselves or some nonsense like that. I guess I was just hoping for some thoughtful insights into spirituality and what it means in your eyes (beyond the idiots who claim to be more spiritual than everyone else).

    • your conscience

      jack’s disappointed cause now he won’t be the most spiritual person in the room…

      • Megs


  • bumjo

    cogent, poignant, hilarious

    • rivkaleah

      Thank you!!

  • spirit2449

    Funny post…thanks for sharing!

  • Hannah L.

    I am so high I thought this was being serious

    • Rachel Ament

      Parts of it were indeed serious. : /

  • missmundinger

    this completely relaxed me.

  • N


  • elle

    so good

  • prplehaze

    Too funny for words

  • Liz

    I really enjoyed this piece–very funny and lively. And to the commenter who was intimating that the article sounded like a part from “Talladega Nights,” the highly doubt the author of this piece has even seen that movie. I have the sense she’d have a hard time sitting through all 70 minutes.

  • digthisnotthat

    The stark realization that an article mockingly described you (more or less), and how you try and like to live your life in order to get by hahaha.

  • Mike Ross

    Really funny piece. Keep it up.

  • Sue

    I appreciated how the author combined humor with practical advice. The piece was creative and fun to read. I look forward to reading more of her work.

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