1. A badass lighter that never gets lost in your bag and allows you to light a perfect cig every time regardless of the wind.
2. Light rain boots that don’t give you blisters and soccer calves after a day of walking around.
3. Nipple guards that can sense when it’s cold/ you’re aroused and cover that shiz up.
4. A pest detection alarm that alerts you to creatures so you don’t shit your pants right away.
5. A sign that beams out at creeps when a bitchy resting face isn’t substantial and says, “If you look at me again I will castrate you”.
6. A hard drive where all of your million dollar ideas that come up on long walks or trips on the Subway are beamed to and you can flip through later.
7. An implant underneath your nose that pumps out the scent of your choice as you walk around to drown out the hot garbage smell of the city.
8. A life hack code that turns all ATMs into free ATMs by entering a series of numbers.
9. Sunglasses that discreetly keep your bank balance + spending in the corner of your eye. Don’t want to deal with your impending poverty? Take them off.
10. A magic device that keeps your skirt or dress down while wearing a backpack. Seriously. This shit sucks. I’m not in the mood to flash everyone my thong for six blocks and not even know about it.
11. An app that tells you through a red light/green light system how hard places ID and if your bullshit internet ID that isn’t from ID Chief (RIP) will work or your borrowed ID that doesn’t even look like you will pass.
12. A geolocation app that shows you where everyone you’ve ever met in your life is currently located so you can avoid them when you’re hungover and look like a turd while running errands on a Sunday morning.
13. A portable device that can attach to your keys that tests your drugs for you and can identify whether or not it’s laced with some nasty shit. Seriously people, this shit’s important always make sure your drugs are safe.