1. Being pregnant makes you feel unsexy.
Pregnancy can be empowering. Knowing that your body is growing another human being makes you feel a bit like a superhero. But even knowing that your body is doing something amazing, it is still difficult to look in the mirror and see a body you don’t recognize at all, with a midsection that looks like you’re smuggling a watermelon and hips covered in deep purple stretch marks. Even having the most compassionate partner, it can still be difficult to bare all when you’re feeling so unsexy. I just want to have my sexual needs met with my partner while we are on opposite sides of the room, fully clothed, with no touching, and him possibly being blind. Is that really too much to ask?
2. Everything—not only sex—is uncomfortable when you’re pregnant.
I am fairly certain if pregnancy had to be described in one word, most pregnant women or women who have been pregnant would sum it up with “uncomfortable.” It’s uncomfortable to sleep. It’s uncomfortable to bend down and tie your shoes. It’s uncomfortable trying to eat a chili dog without getting breathless. It’s uncomfortable to have sex. Most couples who have been together long-term develop a few go-to positions. Sure, we like to mix it up, but we also know what works for us. All of us long-term relationshippers have them. Pregnancy throws that all out the window. The vast majority of our time spent in the bedroom is attempting different positions, trying to work the giant belly into them like a jigsaw puzzle and ultimately failing. When I’m on top, I have visions of myself accidentally suffocating my husband to death and them making a murder mystery television show about it, with really bad acting. It definitely messes with my mojo.
3. There’s suddenly a third party involved in your lovemaking.
Yes, it’s natural and no, it doesn’t hurt anything. After all, it’s what made the baby in the first place. I get it. But no matter how many times your husband Googles whether or not his penis can poke the fetus in the head during intercourse (and is assured that it indeed cannot), there’s still something kind of creepy about your unborn child being between the two of you, while you do the deed, baby just inches away from the thing. It gets extra weird later on in your pregnancy when baby starts moving. I have thoughts of him popping out through my stomach alien-style during sex saying, “Why are you doing this to me?!”
4. You feel too hairy.
In order to shave your legs past 20 weeks, you have to turn into a contortionist in the shower, twisting to see around your expanding belly. Whole patches of hair are missed and by week 25 you say, “Screw it, I’ll shave once more when I’m in labor, before going to the hospital.” Other than that, you can forget it. And let’s not even talk about the bikini area. It’s been straight-up 1970 down there since week 15. I’m not trying to blindly shave my situation down there.
5. Pregnancy hormones make you so emotional, you can start crying during sex.
Pregnancy brings on a surge of hormones, making even the most emotionally stable woman a basket case from time to time, usually when you least expect it. I mean, we’ve all been there, right? Watching television and minding our own business. Then a toilet-paper commercial comes on and we find ourselves sobbing uncontrollably because the dog in the ad looked a little sad. No? You haven’t? OK, just me then. Sex even when you’re not pregnant can be an emotional experience. Add those wonderful pregnancy hormones and….well, it’s a turn on to cry mid-sex about how close you feel to your partner, right?
6. It is not uncommon for your boobs to grow a couple of cup sizes while pregnant.
If you start out not particularly well endowed in that department, it can be a lot of fun to finally have gigantic porn star boobs without the pain or price tag of plastic surgery. However, what fun are giant boobs if you can’t play with them? It seems like a cruel joke to finally have such amazing boobs that can’t be touched without causing pain.
7. Despite everything I’ve already listed, pregnancy still makes you super-horny—and that’s frustrating.
Those hormones seem to have another fun side effect. You would think with the body issues, inability to shave your own legs and sore boobs, sex would happen a whole lot less when you’re pregnant, right? Wrong. The hormone cocktail pumping through your body all pregnancy also seems to make you super=horny. When you find yourself sexually turned on by Michael Scott while watching The Office, you know you have a problem. My poor husband would probably just like one night off to watch Netflix in bed all evening, like a normal couple married for a decade, without me attacking him. I’m fairly certain he must have a countdown somewhere to the postpartum weeks, when sex is not allowed.