Everyone is tired of hearing the same old boring excuses; “my phone died”, “I don’t feel well”, “I fell asleep”, “I was drunk”…you catch my drift. All an excuse really needs to work is to be creative and shocking. The more ridiculous it sounds the better, and the more elaborate the details, the harder it will be for anyone to suspect you of lying. Here are 13 excuses that are just so ridiculous they might actually work:
1. “I was hungry.” As far as I’m concerned this one should be enough to get you off of murder charges. For real though, nothing people do when they’re hungry should be used against them…they didn’t come up with the term “hangry” for nothing!
2. “Netflix!” If it is premiere day for a new season of House of Cards or Orange is the New Black this should go without saying and nobody should even be inviting you anywhere that doesn’t involve a serious binge of one of these masterpieces. But any time something new is coming or something is about to leave Netflix you should also get a free pass to be a lazy ass on your couch instead of like going to someone’s baby shower.
3. “My car exploded.” Everyone is always stuck in traffic, getting a flat, or having car trouble and we are so sick of hearing about it. If you’re gonna lie anyway might as well make it a good one. Tell them that old jalopi just exploded on the side of the road and you won’t be going anywhere, let alone their housewarming party, for a while.
4. “I was trying crystal meth.” Because everyone has been drunk a million times and has used it as an excuse for bad behavior a million more. How about just acting like an asshole for the hell of it and then saying you watched so many episodes of breaking bad you just had to try it once…they will be stoked when you don’t show up and you probably won’t ever get invited again which will save you from coming up with other excuses down the line which literally makes this the excuse of a lifetime.
5. “My period is late.” Saying your period is late is so much more interesting than saying you are on your period or have cramps. That happens every single month so it’s really not breaking news, hopefully it being late happens a little less frequently.
6. “I just got dumped.” Even if you aren’t in a relationship you can still use this one and it will just make you sound mysterious and elusive. If you are, it will raise a lot of questions but you can just pull the whole too upset to talk about it card. Make sure your partner is on board with this and then you two just magically reconciled a few hours later but happy hour was already over.
7. “I was having sex.” If you are single your friends will be so excited for you and forget all about how much you suck for bailing. If you are in a relationship your friends will be even more excited for you and will forget all about how much you suck for bailing.
8. “Diarrhea.” Saying you have food poisoning or the flu is far to vague. Really describing the color and consistency of your “output” really takes things up a notch when it comes to being convincing.
9. “I deleted your number.” Forget the lame “my phone died” or “I lost my phone” excuses and tell the truth for a change. Telling someone you didn’t respond because you deleted their number and didn’t know who it was can be totally liberating.
10. “My pet fish died.” Your great grandma (whom you’ve never met) can only die so many times before it starts to smell fishy and you love your dog/cat too much to jinx them actually dying so say your favorite fish died. You don’t actually need to have a fish because who the hell would know otherwise?
11. “I was in jail.” Of course this will raise a lot of follow up questions, but you learned a lot in your short time in the slammer. Just say you can’t discuss anything without having your lawyer present.
12. “I was boycotting technology at the time.” This one is probably the most ballsy because you will actually have to refrain from using social media in order for this to work. As if!