Pain is addicting. I have experience being in love with pain for quite some time, which is why I think I had no problem being in an abusive relationship. At first, it seems like you’re helping humanity in some way by dating a person who has low self-esteem, who is abusive and always finds a way to sabotage your happiness, but I tell you this nurturing and mother-like qualities in a woman, is the precise reason why we make excuses for the person we love.
From experience I can say that an abusive, psychotic person will not change unless he is treated. No amount of love, sacrifice will make him empathize with you.
I didn’t have a stable house to begin with. I come from a house where there is no trust, no love and absolutely no respect for individuals or ideas. When I was asked out by my best friend, I was sure my life would turn around and I’d be living a happy life. Three months into the relationship I realized the boy I was best friends with and they boy I was dating had two complete opposite personalities. Where my best friend had been compassionate, smart, and funny and loving, my boyfriend was insecure, abusive and psychotic. He made me stop talking to all my friends, made me anti-social, and punished me in the most humiliating of ways possible.
It was so bad that after two years into the relationship, I was diagnosed with extreme depression and had to take high potency meds which I’m still on. I loved him nonetheless. I thought I could change him, I mean it wasn’t all bad.
He use to makeup by giving me gifts, apologizing etc. The end point came for me when he forced me to drop a very expensive college course, because he hadn’t got into that class and I had, and he suspected me of having an affair with my teacher. I was so damn weak that I did what he asked me to do. When I was short of money for my next semester I realized what a fool I had been! I had to pay for all my courses plus a penalty for the course I had dropped midway. I finally decided to take a stand for myself and end the relationship.
The effects of an abusive relationship are far reaching. It’s been a year now but I’m still angry. Angry at myself for being so abused, to have been so stupid and not loving myself enough and wasting so much time and energy.
To all those who still are in abusive relationships, you will find courage to end it. No matter how many excuses you make, your situation will not change, so leave sooner with your essence intact before its too late. For all those who have been in similar relationships and have ended it, the memories will fade away soon. Forgive yourself and move on, because that’s what I’m trying to do; forgiving myself for not having my own back.