I am an adventurous soul trapped inside an anxious mind. I want to climb mountains and stand near the edges of cliffs, but I’m scared I might trip or fall. I’m terrified of heights. It’s the kind of fear that translates to my body making my knees quiver and my eyes tear up. Simple things make me nervous; things that other people won’t even think twice about. I worry about shutting the windows close at night and the faucet sink every time I wash my hands. I check them twice or thrice just to make sure, and the thing is, I can’t help it. It makes my mind restless if I don’t “make sure”. Going in an elevator, specially when it’s crowded, causes me so much unease. There are times when I can’t even physically breathe properly because I feel so antsy thinking that I might get stuck in there if it breaks down. These are only a few of the things that make me anxious, and saying them out loud or even writing about them sounds silly even to me. Trying to explain it to anyone, even to myself, doesn’t make it any better.
My mind is in constant havoc, and what’s ironic is that all it wants is the exact opposite. My mind wants order and certainty. My soul, on the other hand, seeks spontaneity. I crave adrenaline-pumping moments; moments that will be tattooed on my soul for the rest of my existence. I want to jump off from cliffs into deep blue cold bodies of water, but my mind freezes my body still before I even get the chance to touch the water. I want to meet new people and make new friends, but sometimes I’m too nervous to even go out because I overthink too much. I’m scared that people might not like me, or worse, I might make new friends and they end up being the “friends” I never want to have in my life again.
My mind is restless even when the rest of me is physically exhausted. It keeps on reliving the past, worrying about the present, and planning for the future. It just keeps on going. And sometimes, I can make it rest. There are times when I’m at ease even on the inside. It can be for a longer period of time or shorter, but it’s like the calm before the storm because when it strikes back, it strikes hard. It can be sudden, but what’s worse is when it’s gradual. Building up within me when I thought that I’m doing a great job in fighting it off.
My anxious mind not only causes me to do unnecessary weird things, but it also keeps me from doing more important things, and I want people to understand that it’s not “just something I say as an excuse for not accomplishing something.” Sometimes, I’m too worried that something will cause me so much anxiety, so I end up not doing it at all. My anxious mind can drain me off to the point where all I want to do is shut the rest of the world off, listen to good music and sleep in solitude. It can exhaust me to the point where I can’t physically do anything. It’s not an excuse or a justification of my actions. It’s real and it’s not really something I want or choose. It’s just how I feel sometimes.
I didn’t exactly choose to be trapped inside an anxious mind, and I definitely don’t want to spend the rest of my life confined within it. My soul desires to be freed. It yearns for adventure. And as easy it is to say that I will eventually free myself from all the anxiety that limits me, I can’t because the truth is, I don’t know if that will happen for sure. And as appealing it is to end this in a way that sheds light and certainty in the future, I won’t because that’s how life works. We live in shadows and uncertainties and, if you’re an adventurous soul trapped inside an anxious mind like me, this is where we start to try and free ourselves.