I keep having this recurring dream.. I wake up in this white picket fence house.
A wall full of glass. I sip my morning tea as I stare out into a yard full of grass. There’s a swing set- a sitting hammock- situated above a small sand pit.
It’s all I could ever want and so much more…
and yet I find myself living in this majestic place, only downside is
I’m all alone.
On one side – I’m so proud of myself. It means I was able to build my idealistic life…all on my own. It means I succeeded in my career, I made the salary and savings to provide me all I could need and more.
But on the other side, it makes me realize I’m so alone. I realize I may have gotten my suburb life.
But I’m left with empty rooms, just waiting to be filled.
I see myself staring outside this glass wall, and I have that typical look, I’m so used to. It’s me staring out in the distance, kind of spacing out. I’m slightly happy, but also so damn lost.
A part of me wonders if this is on me. If I spent my whole adult life centered around this fairytale life that I forgot to find myself..define myself, in terms of the other things. I wonder if I build up this whole notion that a husband, a marriage, a child or two, would complete me.
I can’t help but wonder if I was just searching for all the wrong things.
If I never learned to be comfortable alone.
A part of me wonders if a husband, a marriage, a child or two will actually make me content. If it leads to me getting all I could want and more or if I’ll stay a bit lost, drifting, searching for easy highs, quick fixes to make me feel anything at all.