Will I Be Happy If I End Up Alone?

woman sitting on cliff overlooking mountains during daytime
Milan Popovic / Unsplash

I keep having this recurring dream.. I wake up in this white picket fence house.

A wall full of glass. I sip my morning tea as I stare out into a yard full of grass. There’s a swing set- a sitting hammock- situated above a small sand pit.

It’s all I could ever want and so much more…

and yet I find myself living in this majestic place, only downside is

I’m all alone.

On one side – I’m so proud of myself. It means I was able to build my idealistic life…all on my own. It means I succeeded in my career, I made the salary and savings to provide me all I could need and more.

But on the other side, it makes me realize I’m so alone. I realize I may have gotten my suburb life.

But I’m left with empty rooms, just waiting to be filled.

I see myself staring outside this glass wall, and I have that typical look, I’m so used to. It’s me staring out in the distance, kind of spacing out. I’m slightly happy, but also so damn lost.

A part of me wonders if this is on me. If I spent my whole adult life centered around this fairytale life that I forgot to find myself..define myself, in terms of the other things. I wonder if I build up this whole notion that a husband, a marriage, a child or two, would complete me.

I can’t help but wonder if I was just searching for all the wrong things. 

If I never learned to be comfortable alone.

A part of me wonders if a husband, a marriage, a child or two will actually make me content. If it leads to me getting all I could want and more or if I’ll stay a bit lost, drifting, searching for easy highs, quick fixes to make me feel anything at all. TC mark

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