I was shocked. “Uhh…” I stammered. I looked around for her. “I am pretty sure she left. She just came back for the ring, I gave it to her and she left.”
“Hmm…” he said again. “Did she???”
Both The Patronizer and Rolly Eyes looked at me skeptically.
At this point, my brain imploded. Is this real life?! Am I being accused? Do they realize that this would make me the dumbest criminal of the face of the earth?! Do these colossal morons really think that I found the ring, showed it to them AND THEN decided to STEAL IT!? Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that this whole exchange transpired in Planet Fitness’ infamous JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE!!! Um, I am pretty sure you just judged me a criminal. A shitty criminal. The dumbest criminal in Planet Shitness history.
I tried in vain to explain the reality of the situation. The Patronizer kept doing that very patronizing head tilt and Rolly Eyes was behind him giving me her ugliest stink face.
More than once The Patronizer said, “Disclaimer: I am not technically accusing you of theft.”
What?! DISCLAIMER!? I am pretty sure saying the word “Disclaimer” does not preclude you from the consequences of treating me this way. Nor does it magically make me believe you are not accusing me of stealing something that I was trying my damndest to return. Lastly, fuck you and your fucking “disclaimer.”
I stormed away from the desk. I am sure Rolly Eyes stopped her stink face long enough to roll some more eyes at me while I retreated.
I was in the locker room, tugging on my snow boots, when I realized I can never come here again. Why would I want to? Why would I willfully return to a place, four days a week, where people assume I am a thief? No fucking thank you. My twenty dollars a month can be better spent elsewhere. I guess you get what you pay for, and at Planet Fitness, twenty bucks just isn’t quite enough for a little bit of respect.
Also, I am not sure why it took me exactly two years to come to this conclusion, but this gym sucks. I mean they have genius sleuths working the front desk and all, but on the whole the service and conditions are deplorable. That place is in a constant state of putrid, stinky chaos. I once saw an employee clean a toilet seat and then a counter top with the same paper towel, and I use the term “clean” rather loosely. There was no cleaning product involved.
I am also 90% positive that the stretching mats will give you ringworm.
But back to my story…
I got my things together. I put my adult face back on and I returned to the desk. Surprise, surprise—Rolly Eyes was not happy to see me. I said plainly, “I would like to CANCEL this awful membership.”
I filled out a form, detailed my reasons for the termination, and said SEE YA to that hot-mess of a gym. I also made sure to keep my copy of the termination form, because I am pretty sure The Patronizer tore it up the moment I left.
I didn’t save a life today. I don’t deserve a medal of honor. I did make some forgetful girl pretty happy. I am not asking for a federal holiday or a fucking parade, but can I just not be treated like a convicted felon by a pair of nimrods in the shittiest gym on the planet?
And I lived happily ever after.