One of the top ten reasons to date me is, I’m an incredible ex-girlfriend. Probably the best you’ll ever find. When the inevitable end comes, and it always comes, I’ll Houdini my way out of the relationship so fast, you’ll be left to wonder if the last six months of your life with me ever happened.
I won’t call you at 3 am because I can’t sleep and my pillow still smells like you. I won’t drunk text you when I’m out. I’ll never drive by your house and throw rocks through your car window. Anyone who knows me, knows the only thing I throw is a dirty look. Vandalism is so passé. I know revenge is a dish best served with a taller, better looking, charming man on my arm. You can fix your window. That newfound sense of insecurity lasts and lasts. You may even start to wish it WAS my cursive handwriting so neatly scrolled in spray paint across the hood of your car. That would mean I actually felt passionately enough about you to be driven to such a crime, but it isn’t mine. I’m too busy going on dates with new men, or drinking wine and watching the Real Housewives on my best friend’s couch. You’ll never know which, and that’s just the way I like it.
It’s not as though I’m able to erase you from my memory. Or heart. There isn’t enough vodka or handsome strangers on Earth to do that, at least not permanently. I just choose to move on. I choose to not be miserable over a failed relationship. I choose not to stalk your social media (at least not often). I don’t want to relive it. I choose to believe that the best days are ahead of me, and all this heart and headache will teach me to be a wiser person, a person who has a better picker when it comes to finding my next boyfriend. I choose to let you move forward as well; mostly because I don’t want you anymore. I want better.
You, my collection of ex-boyfriends, are a lucky bunch though. I’m like the female version of Good Luck Chuck. Invest the next 4-6 months of your life with me, and magically the next girlfriend you have, you’ll head to the alter with. I’m not so sure why this is, but if I was a betting kind of girl… I’d bet it’s because you chose to save the best ex for last. You all have better pickers than I do. Congratulations on that… Oh, and on your new wives too.