There Is Nothing Beautiful About Depression

Joanna Kosinska

First and foremost, depression is not as beautiful as you see it on social media. Depression is not about posting images or content on self-harm; it’s the crazy, twisted hurricane in your brain when you’re doing it. There is nothing great about depression, unless you think that getting eaten up by an invisible monster is fancy. It is the state of unawareness, it is not knowing what is happening and why is it happening; it is the feeling that is stuck with you and refuses to leave.

When it does leave, it comes back for a surprise visit and turns you into a different human being all over again. Depression makes people numb and empty. It is making people live feed their suicides on social media, anyone who has seen it knows that there is nothing likeable about that.

Maybe there are people like me who can’t differentiate between a genuine cry for help and another attention hogging technique, who are scared to think of what others may think and who are better off when nobody notices rather than opening up to somebody who doesn’t care. These things are heart breaking.

Sleeping all day long and missing classes, leaving exam hall without finishing your test, losing your appetite, not taking calls – I’m sorry, but I seem to not see the beauty in that. Normal everyday activities become too hard to follow, what is so good about that?

People call me weird, they say that it’s all in my head and I could get better if I just start following a routine while I lay in bed thinking about how on Earth am I supposed to get out of this bed and have food. There is nothing that makes loathing yourself romantic, not even “13 Reasons Why”. Trust me, I googled how to kill myself way before the show came out. That show is no reason for you petty people to spam the social media. Selfies and stupid snap stories are more than enough for that.

People are committing suicide, doesn’t matter if they’ve watched the show or not. Maybe you should concentrate on that while you’re at it.

I know what the show did to me, and I still think of it as a great favour. It brought about an issue so important to light maybe that is what scared you so much. It might be harsh, but it is the truth. When people say they miss school days, I remember what a mess mine were and hate every bit of it – teachers, students, administration. Everything and everyone.

People are uncaring and selfish and we have to believe it, most importantly own up to it. That is where all the problems begin, you take blame for whatever you do and no one gets hurt.

I remember not going to school for days during my high school days. Six days a week seemed too much for me to take in, I hardly had friends and nobody was cooperative. I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t at fault, I was. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m a human being and treating me like a project is not okay.

Some get through the tough times, some don’t and carry their misfortune to college in hopes of starting a new life. Nothing changes. Even if it does, it’s only for worse.The person you cared about the most, leaves you alone in distress because smoking weed is easier than trying to build a person out of debris. I know there’s nothing beautiful about getting anxious over why does it have to be me or trying to remember what being happy feels like.

We are so engrossed about our own selves that we forget to look beyond this bubble of ours, we forget that little things we say or do might hurt others.

And social media is just another cherry on top. Apart from being such narcissists, we care too much about what goes on inside that screen. We care too much about a thousand likes on a picture than the people liking it. We barely know these people whose notifications randomly show up on our screens, and we get panic attacks if we don’t. Seriously people, billions of years of evolution for this? This is real life, not group chat.

Save someone while you can, because this happens rarely.

Not every person you meet is suffering and not every one of them is willing to be saved. I’m not saying that these people want to be left alone and uncared for, I’m saying that they want you to be there. They want to feel safe with you, even if you aren’t physically with them. They want you to be able to read the things that they don’t write, listen to the words you don’t speak and wipe off the tears that aren’t shed yet.

All I want you to know is just don’t treat depression like another viral post or trending topic on the internet and don’t treat a person suffering from depression or any mental issues for that matter, as a sample. What happened in “13 Reasons Why” is the reality. It is what people do when they can’t take anymore and are rejected at all points of their lives. Maybe not everybody has had bad relationships, maybe not everybody is assaulted and maybe not everybody is responsible for someone’s death.

Deep down, we all know what we’re going through and what we’ve done. There is no glorifying that. It is what it is. Help others instead of hating a fucking show. It’s this hate that is killing all of us from the inside every single day.

We’re better off without it.

There’s so much I want to say right now and so little that I can actually put into words. Why can’t we be there for others when they need it? Why can’t we foresee the tears in someone eyes? Why can’t we hold their hand and tell them that it’s going to be okay, that we’re with them? Why do we need to wait for someone to die to finally ask what was wrong with her? TC mark

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