I know I was letting go of the chances. Of opportunities, if getting to know other men was called as such. I know I can be called stupid for politely declining their advances, but I know I am not someone to string a soul along. I know I was cruelly honest for being upfront in telling them I am in love with somebody. It is not that I can take being called stupid and cruel because I know my reason would demand to debate about it in any circumstances until the opponent concedes that those were biases. The thing is, I just do not really care. Because I know in my heart I was being me, a girl who knows what she wants and stands her ground whatever it costs in the end. I know they were probably remarkable men. But I know I want you. Even if you called yourself a social retard.
Who would understand that the only opportunity I do not want to miss is finding out how will the days be with you? I want to know the reason for the sexy smile and the booming laugh that made you uncaringly threw your head backward. I want to find out what causes the goofy grin and the amused smirk that tilts the corner of your mouth unconsciously. It is always agonizing but I know I would not want to miss the chance of you opening up after a long silence. Your “Thank you” for bearing with your stillness and shutting me off compensates what I have had internally gone through. You saying I soothe you pacified my insides when it wanted to explode and dying to reach out to you for demands and explanations.
I know I am looking forward to your advances and not somebody else’s. I know my eyes light up to your playfulness shrouded by silly words. My wit was constantly challenged with our banter, which may sound totally gibberish to others, and got us lost in our own word war upping each other who sounded the silliest but without meaning to lose the core of the topic. We were like two lone soldiers thrown into the cockpit with audiences staring dumbly and wondering what the heck we were talking. Those times never failed to put a grin on my face and what made it worse, the grin got stuck there for the entire day on so many occasions, albeit to the wonderment of the people who was looking at me on the streets.
I know I am missing out on the so-called “better man” by admitting to the suitors I am already in love with one. You. I am not a butterfly in the dating scene. But how ironic when we have committed ourselves to someone, there the people who suddenly found us attractive and interesting come swarming, wanting the piece of us. It was tempting to play around. But maybe it was just me. I could not do it. To me you are already perfect and what could be better than that. You keep me on my toes, unabashedly admitting you too have your mood swings. You keep me grounded with your compliments, knowing perfectly well I am common and ordinary. You amused me with your sarcasm but you felt had no merit when I just snorted. You make my heart ache for you more with your thoughtfulness. You make me question my views of the world. You passionately care about the vulnerabilities of pregnant women, their fears, their physical state, the pain of child birth… which appease my own fears and letting me know you will be there through the whole ordeal. You shared your fears of caring innocent souls you called your future children without the provided manual…. which let me know you will try to be the good father as the role will demand. You fired up my intellect even when you were not around. You made me smile like an idiot just because the song I heard reminded me of you. Those and for thousand of reasons you are more than just a better man. I know I am doing something right by being faithful to you. Not only because you deserve it, but also because it aligns with my philosophy.
I know I am laying my heart on the line. But then I know only by doing so I could really love you. I know we have now and tomorrows are undefined. But I am willing to take one day at a time. I know love is uncertain, a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Here today, gone tomorrow. Immense joy one moment, maybe deepest sorrow the next. Sad it may seems, but what makes it bearable is because you recognized it too and we are working our way through it. Through the highs and lows, I will ride with you. Just so you know through it all I am loving you more. I am conscious of what I have gotten myself into, unafraid to find out, braving even the toughest of moment without diminishing the feelings, without the inkling of walking away from you because the going got tougher. Maybe this is what love really is.
I know there may be the chance that I am more in love with you than you do with me. But who’s counting? I know I love you with all I have. But I know for sure if I have loved you enough. I may be bound for heartbreak but I know it would be something I would never regret because I have not denied myself the pleasure of loving you. The same kind of love that would propel to let you go if I need to, if you would ask, because I want you to be happy. Even if it would not be with me.
I know I am not losing myself to you. On the contrary, I have known myself more with being with you. On what I am capable of. On how far I could go. On what I am willing to learn from you, from us. On when to let go if I have to. Loving you was a gift to myself. It would always be an honor to unravel what it offers…today and the days to come. I know this is how I want to live my life. With love. With you. With whatever we have.