33 Things I Would Tweet From The Shower If I Could
1. Dancing to Kendrick Lamar is probably a really bad idea right now. Backseat Freestyle: Hazardous When Wet.
2. Lavender is a pretty great scent. It’s definitely one of my favorites. Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soup rules my world.
3. I NEED COFFEE.
4. Should I shave my legs and under bits like REALLY well? Am I getting laid later?
5. Fuck washing my hair this red is so hard to keep.
6. Okay fine I’ll wash my hair. Scalp massages insert me into my own Herbal Essences commercial in my head every time.
7. How come I’m not friends with Jonah Hill yet? Seriously.
8. This loofah is purple. I like purple. I’m single.
9. The amount of bath products Patrick Bateman uses in American Psycho during the infamous shower monologue scene makes my OCD so horny, despite his psychopathic & homicidal tendencies.
10. When did I get this tan? I used to be see-through. Thanks for the tan lines, California. They add character, right?
11. I’m not fucking getting rid of my bush anytime soon. Pussy power.
12. LIONS ARE THE COOLEST. *Genuinely admires the tattoo of a lion’s face I have on my shoulder.*
13. I’m so glad I smoked a joint before I got in the shower.
14. The Roast of James Franco was really hilarious. I’m squinting right back at you, James.
15. This shower/tub is so much better than my last one. So much more space to haphazardly stretch and soak in hot water for an excessive period of time.
16. That one time in Vegas when I had a threesome in a giant bathtub next to the king size bed in my hotel room.
17. I’m 25 years old and sometimes I pick my nose and I LIKE IT.
18. Sometimes I feel like the Lena Dunham of the porn industry. I also used to be much more pale, awkward, and muffin top-esque.
19. Why are some people so hesitant to admit that they LOVE Lena Dunham and GIRLS? Stop lying to yourself.
20. That one time I let my ex-boyfriend pee on me a little in our shower to even the scales because I was being an asshole and it seemed harmless at the time until GOD IT IS SO WARM THIS IS GROSS.
21. The episode of Friends “The One With The Jellyfish” when Monica gets stung by a jellyfish and Joey has to pee on the sting to help her. Okay I just thought of that right now. I don’t care.
22. Chandler Bing, why did you put up with Janice for so long? WHY?
23. If I’m in someone else’s shower, I’m definitely noting how they did or did not organize their bath products. Categorized? Sooooo horny.
24. That awkward feeling when you ride on a painfully slow elevator with strangers in complete silence.
25. I will always love Weezer’s album Pinkerton.
26. That guy. Sigh, soap, sigh, rinse. Repeat.
27. SEX. DID I MENTION SEX YET? SEX.
28. My limbs are fucking long.
29. Do I have an underdog complex?
30. Fuck, I love having tits. Tits are fun.
31. Those dreams were really fucking weird.
32. I’m totally gonna attack that to do list today. Maybe.
33. Would I be friends with me? Yeah, probably, but I wouldn’t take any of my shit.