I am a neurotic female and can be quite the clean freak. Sometimes, certain male household behaviors just straight up bewilder me. Please allow me to be completely rude and gender-biased based on my experiences on living with men, including: two brothers, two different boyfriends, and six male friends. You start to notice patterns after a while. I’m aware there are men that are even more pulled-together and/or OCD than I am at home, I just haven’t lived with any of them.
Dear every male I have ever lived with and any men that may reside in the same domicile as myself in the future:
1. I just cleaned the bathroom, so please do me a favor and trim your beard now but feel free to leave all of your gross stubble all over the sink that I just wiped down two hours ago.
2. Oh hey that sponge looks like it belongs IN the sink. It couldn’t possibly belong, like, next to it, after being wrung out.
3. Did you happen to notice if the garbage was full? Just wondering. My back hurts. My back hurts tomorrow, too.
4. Those dirty dishes from yesterday in the sink look really lonely, they probably miss their buddies in the DISHWASHER.
5. Did you drop this disgusting, rancid, worn sock on your way out of the door? Or no? Also, why are there so many holes in your socks? Seriously, go buy new socks. They’re like $7.99 for a pack.
6. No, I TOTALLY wasn’t planning on eating that. I just brought it home for fun! I’m glad you enjoyed the rest of my celebratory steak dinner, though. Now that you’ve eaten my leftovers, perhaps you could throw out the week-old leftovers of your own sitting behind the milk.
7. I love it when you do things like put the Fast and the Furious II DVD in the box for Closer. Fuck Julia Roberts anyway, right?! Vin Diesel is where it’s AT.
8. Please make that bass louder so I can’t hear myself think at all. UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR BRITNEY SPEARS ON REPEAT. I know I was making loud sex noises til 5 am last night but please turn your weird fucking music down.
9. I cleaned under the toilet seat and had to ask myself if your pubes are so afraid of your balls that they just jump ship every morning. Also, I’m not sure what trying to aim with or without a boner is like, but you are clearly not very good at it or apathy has taken over because you’ve given up on cleaning up after yourself, too.
10. Why are your beard hairs in my razor that I use to shave my vagina with? Did you confuse the pink Venus handle with your own very similar looking Schick disposable razor? I can’t begin to tell you how much I am gagging right now, and it’s not in a fun way.
11. Look I know I’m not your mother, but you should really start picking up your condom wrappers off the floor. Or at least consider lining the garbage with a plastic bag so the condoms themselves don’t stick to the inside. Just a tip. A gross, sticky, condom tip.
12. Sometimes I’m also guilty of leaving clean laundry in a hamper for days or even a couple weeks at a time (I don’t know how I do that to myself), but please tell me how you are comfortable just putting it on the FLOOR? Why not just in something that is slightly less covered in filth, like a laundry basket? Maybe men who roll out of bed and wear floor shirts to work build more character.
13. If you’re going to watch porn, that’s fine, but you can close the window when you’re done so I don’t open up to PornHub or bigbootiehoes.com or whatever when I’m trying to get my GrubHub on. Also, if you’re going to borrow MY porn dvds, respect the disc and return it when you’re done, bro!
14. I don’t care what other sports game you want to watch, the NHL Blackhawks are playing and that is more important. Go eat some chicken wings elsewhere and LEAVE ME IN PEACE WITH MY HOCKEY AND AGGRESSIVE BEARDED MEN.
15. When you leave your wet laundry in the washer, or better yet, my wet laundry on TOP of the washer… I just die a little bit on the inside. Mold is not so not in this season.
Let’s be honest though… living with guys isn’t all that bad, especially when you don’t want to share a bathroom with a “girlier” female that wants to borrow all of your clothes without asking, or use the bathroom for two hours to get ready and straighten their hair everyday. I don’t regret living with most of these dudes, or any of the good times or beers that we shared — but I still think they are kind of gross.
image – Three’s Company: Season One