7 Habits Of Highly Pretentious People

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1. Start your own business, then do absolutely nothing with it EXCEPT create a Facebook page for it, then update your Work section to say, “Founder/CEO at (insert name of business here).”

2. Use your excess student loan money to buy ridiculously extravagant suits, ties, and shoes that you  wear to your Introductory Economics lectures.

3. Memorize the first fifty digits of pi. Recite them at every given opportunity.

4. Use your Twitter bio to tell people that you’re a writer, artist, photographer, entrepreneur, and astronaut. Never forget that if you own a guitar, you are by default a musician/singer-songwriter/session guitarist for Mumford and Sons. Even if you’ve never played a chord in your life.

5. Use the Assistant Dean’s email signature as a template for your own. Include it at the end of every single message you send, directly before the line that says, “Sent from my iPad.”

6. Pay a visit to Starbucks no less than three times a day. Throw a fit if the barista messes up your Venti Caramel Macchiato laced with 7.58 pumps of vanilla syrup, organic whipped cream, and the blood of a half-dozen virgins.

7. Take a photo of yourself in a ridiculous pose such as looking off into the deep aether of space, pensively stroking your chin, or sporting a purposely-ugly smile (but of course, this can’t be possible, because you’re still “absolutely stunning,” according to your online friends). Edit the contrast of the photo, make it black-and-white so you seem artsy, then use it as your Facebook profile picture. Repeat every two weeks. TC Mark

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