I’m Trying Really Hard With You

Jared Sluyter

The truth is, I’m trying really really hard with you. I’m trying to remind myself that we’ve only been on one date, but that one date was magical to me. Did you not feel that too?

You leaned on me on the subway, and plopped your hand on top of mine so I could hold it. We cuddled on my futon and I kissed you, and wow it was so good. It gave me butterflies, it felt like electricity! After you left the city, we texted back and forth briefly, but it didn’t feel like it used to.

I tried to ignore that fact that you didn’t return that “cat blowing kiss” emoji that you always used to return.

I tried to forget about the fact that you didn’t text me for two whole days and I was for sure we were over then.

I’m trying to ignore the fact that you used to text me all day, but now you tell me you can’t because you’re busy at work.

I try to make excuses for you like, “maybe she got a new project at work that she didn’t have before.” Or, “maybe she’s just been really busy with something and is tired.”

I’m just trying to hold on to whatever I’ve got left here and it doesn’t feel like much. You never text me first anymore, I used to love your good morning texts, and your random mid-afternoon “hellos.” I don’t know where they went, I wish I did.

You told me we’d see each other on Sunday, I just hope you don’t cancel. You said you would be working late Sunday, but that you could fit me in. I was in a fit of excitement thinking about seeing you again. I can’t hardly contain myself, I just want to tell you about it, I want to tell everyone about it.

I want to yell from the rooftops about just how excited I am to have met you, and to be feeling this way about you.

But, something holds me back.

There’s a feeling in my stomach like a knot. I don’t know what it is but I think I might be losing you. With every unreturned “cat blowing kiss” emoji, the truth gets harder to ignore. I told you to text me today because your texts make my day better. You said “aww okay.” But it’s 3:30pm already and I haven’t received anything from you.

Maybe it’s true, maybe I need to accept that you’re just not that into me. You don’t feel the way I do. TC mark

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