Even the most zen people have the most irrational, impulsive thoughts during first dates. We get worked up about what we’re going to wear, how it’s going to go and what the other person’s going to think of us. Below are 13 common thoughts everyone entertains on date one.
1. Should I Bail?
Unlike Netflix, double buttered popcorn and my cat, this boy can potentially reject me, hate me, or be a serial killer. Am I really in the mood to be murdered? I mean I am sitting in my car outside the restaurant so it may be too late. Maybe I’ll pull an Emily from Friends and dip out the bathroom window if I’m not feeling it.
2. Is it presumptuous to give him a full out hug?
Or do I give him that sideways embrace, or maybe one of those ass out double-tap-his-back type of hugs? Oh God, what’s happening, why is my hand doing that? Okay so I just shook my dates hand like this is a business transaction. Super chill.
3. Why the fuck am I wearing this?
I didn’t realize that when I sit down in this crop top my best friend Ms. Muffin Top makes an appearance. Now I need to strategically place my napkin across my lap to shield his eyes from my 5 year old freshman fifteen.
4. When is it okay to check my phone?
This is by far the hardest part of a date for me. I’ll be the first to admit I’m SUPER addicted to my phone but I’m also SUPER respectful of my date in that I will not check on my phone/text anyone during our time together – a modern day Mother Teresa, I know. You can bet your ass that 30 minutes into this date, I’m itching for the sight of my group chats, Instagram and Snapchat notifications.
5. What the hell should I order?
What do I order? My heart says this 2 pound chicken wing special, my stomach says this 6 oz burger but my anxiety about eating in front of other people says I should stick to salad. I’ll order 4 apps to offset this rabbit diet I chose for the night.
6. Do I have something in my teeth?
I shouldn’t have ordered that unsatisfying spinach salad. I feel it right in the middle of my front teeth, something green is stuck – bathroom break!
7. How big is his…
Bank account. Kidding! I’m talking about his dick. I know it’s a myth but I can’t stop looking at his hands, you know the distance between the tip of the pointer finger and the tip of the thumb. Don’t judge me on this, it happens, we can’t help it. Or maybe I can’t help it, I shouldn’t lump all women together with me.
8. What if he asks me hard questions?
Sometimes, a seemingly simple question like “What do you do for fun?” is harder than a chemistry final. Is “masturbate” not an appropriate answer?
9. Is he a “fuckboy”?
There are a few things I’ve got to keep a look out for. For example, did he call his ex bat shit crazy? Did he say he doesn’t like labels? Was his Tinder profile full of shirtless bathroom pics? Does flexing at the gym take up 70% of his day? Is he an “entrepreneur”? If so, I may need to re-evaluate.
10. When should I ask about his ex?
It’s 2016 and I’ve had the luxury of cyber investigating this dude before the date. Like a lot of dates, people will subtly ask about past relationships and all of that. Me? I’m just here struggling to pretend that I don’t know about his ex Karen, the trip they took to Bali in 2014 and that her cats name is Cookie (thanks to her open account settings on Instagram).
11. Do I really have to offer to split the check?
I don’t expect anything from any guy, financially. But on a first date, I do believe in chivalry. In saying that, I wouldn’t be turned off if when I offered to split the bill he agreed. It’s nice to be treated to a date, especially the first one and if you’re going to call me sexist you can shove the 79¢ I make to a man’s dollar right up your ass.
12. Should I sleep with him?
We all know what this means. I’ve watched a fair share of rom-coms. I mean I can’t say that I haven’t fallen for this line myself. It’s not that it’s a trap or anything it’s just that it literally translates to “want to come by my apartment and have sex but also we need to be quiet because my roommate is a light sleeper.” If he asks the question and you don’t want to have sex, best not to lead him on…sorry Josh from last Saturday.
13. What if he ghosts me?
We live in a beautiful time where ghosting is a thing. Literally someone can erase you from their lives with the push of a button; whether it’s block, unfollow, unfriend, unmatch or un-something, the end of a date could potentially be the last time you see that person. So when I say “goodnight!” what I really mean is “please message me as soon as you get home and tell me you like me”. But if the date was bad, I mean “have a great life.”