The Pros And Cons Of Choosing A Vibrator Over A Boyfriend (Hint: There Are More Pros)

Jérôme Licht
Jérôme Licht

Being single is great, I mean it. You’re free to do as you please, you don’t have to remember someone’s birthday, and you can totally binge through the new Netflix show Love while spooning Ben & Jerry’s without being cast judgmental looks from a significant other.

With such an inconsistent 7 day sex forecast though, the ambiguity around when you’ll get laid becomes ominous. L.O.S, or ‘lack of sex’ syndrome has severe and explicit symptoms. A main indicator of its onset is the urge to call/text one’s ex. If you consume alcohol while suffering from L.O.S, chances are your urge will manifest itself into action and you may find yourself at your ex’s doorstep, drunk and begging to be touched.

To offset the syndrome one may invest in someone a bit more consistent. And when I say someone I should say something. That something is a vibrator.

Below are the pros and cons to committing yourself to something rather than to someone:

Pros

1. Don’t need to trim the forest

No last-minute calls to Olga, your esthetician, no terrible self-inflicted shaving hacks and no rancid Nair disasters. Your vibrator won’t judge or shy away from whatever you’ve got going on down there.

2. It won’t keep asking you “is this okay?”

Vibrator’s aren’t seeking approval, it’s not that they don’t care whether they’re pleasing you or not, it’s just that they’re inanimate.

3. Don’t need to give a blowjob

I’m sure there are women out there who don’t mind sticking a penis in their mouth, hell maybe some even like it but there are literally four billion other things I’d rather stick in my mouth than someone’s genitals.

4. Don’t need to worry about STDs
Assuming you didn’t buy a secondhand electronic friend in which case WTF, there’s no anxiety around whether your vibrator is packing the silent killer HPV, my old friend chlamydia or gross herpes.

5. Netflix THEN Chill

A vibrator won’t oppose to the choice of Netflix show you want to watch during a cliché Netflix sesh. But the best part is you’ll actually make it through a full movie before having an orgasm.

6. Don’t need to worry about protection

Forget racking your brain trying to remember if you took your birth control, no need to stumble for a condom and when you finally do find one, you won’t have to watch him struggle to get it on. This is a nice segue into…

7. No Pregnancy

‘Nuff said.

8. Don’t need to move much

Had a long day at work and you don’t feel like doing the reverse cowgirl? You’re in luck because you’re not going to have to expend much energy with this little guy…or big guy, depending on your budget.

9. Don’t need to be in good shape

Your vibrator loves your winter body or, going to play the ‘it’s inanimate’ card again – it doesn’t know any better. Did you eat four slices of pizza too many? No need to feel self-conscious!

10. Guaranteed orgasm

There is no possibility of faking it, no chance your partner’s going to bust early and unlike your ex Greg, you know where your clit is located.

Cons

1. Batteries are expensive

$5 for a pack of Duracel’s every few weeks can add up. But what’s more important than an orgasm?!

2. When someone asks when the last time you had sex was, this doesn’t count.

It may feel awkward having girl talk with your BFFs and everyone’s ranting about boy drama while your biggest issue is the new vibrator you bought isn’t waterproof and you wanted to try shower sex this week.

3. Your vibrator doesn’t count as a ‘+1’

As wedding season approaches, you and your electric penis are going strong. Unfortunately, it may be “inappropriate” to count it as a guest at your best friend’s wedding.

4. Can’t introduce it to your parents

“Hey mom, dad, I’d like you to meet…disappointment!” I haven’t personally gone this far but I’d imagine it’s awkward AF to introduce your vibrator to the family.

* * *

Well, turns out there are many more pros to having a pseudo boyfriend than there are cons. I’m sure it isn’t all gumdrops and rainbows but to be honest, I haven’t experienced anything but just that. If you’re suffering from L.O.S speak to your doctor about prescribing the Lover Fire 6.5″ Medical Silicone Realistic Dildo Shape G spot Clitoral Stimulation Vibrator from Amazon today. TC mark

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  • https://euphonosbooks.com Euphie

    Seriously :) I somehow found it hilarious. good one… Very true..

  • http://whatsinmyheadandheartnow.wordpress.com Hira

    ha ha ha , now am wondering why do we need men at all ! Someone just make a vibrator with sperms :D

  • http://voluptuouscara.wordpress.com Cara

    Hilarious

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