A Letter To The Girl Who Wanted To Be ‘Just Friends’

via Flickr - Cody Castro
via Flickr – Cody Castro

To Whom This Concern:

I write this to you as I am sitting in our high school parking lot on a Saturday night. Why am I here you may ask? I’m not really sure myself. Maybe I thought being in a place we spent so many years of our life together would help me clear my mind. Instead it has brought up so many feelings that I am never quite able to put into words, but I think that it is finally time that I try.

I remember the first time that I fell for you, 6th grade English class to be exact. We sat next to each other since our last name share the same first letter. Every time that I looked at you I felt something that I never felt before. There was something about you that I couldn’t put my finger on. It’s not like you needed someone to be around, but you enjoyed it. I think that was part of the reason that I fell for you, your fierce independence was inspiring to an insecure kid like me.

It wasn’t until 8th grade student council that we really started to get to know each other. I was so determined to get you to like me that I would sign up for every event I could. One day we were assigned together and we started to talk about our lives. I remember that I made you laugh; it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. For that split second I thought that you might feel the same for me and that’s when everything changed. I started to become infatuated with you.

That next year we started high school and quickly drifted apart. Being the attractive person that you where, all the guys started to pull for your attention. I got pushed to the side in the middle of all of it. It hurt me to even look at you from across the classroom, it was almost like you forgot who I was. I told myself over and over again that you were never worth it until it sunk in. It worked for a while until senior year when you found your first love. It was the classic story that you see in all of the movies: The captain of the cheerleading team fell in love with the varsity quarterback. Every time that you looked at him you gave him this smile that I had never seen before. The type of smile that I hoped you would have given me.

You broke up with him the summer after we graduated. I bet you were thrown off when you saw a Facebook message from me asking you to meet me at the park, but I needed to tell you everything. I needed to tell you that I was in love with you from the very first time I saw you. That’s when you told me that you just wanted to be friends; the thing that every guy seems to hate to hear. For some reason I didn’t mind because I thought it would bring us closer. You gave me your number and told me that we should hang out sometime. Weeks and months passed, but you never responded to my texts or calls. I started to replay over and over every moment in my head, wondering where I went wrong. I was so hopeful that when we said goodbye it wouldn’t be the end of our story, but somehow it was, maybe it had been for a while. I’m starting to realize that love at first sight isn’t as crazy as people say it is, because you didn’t have to say a word to make me fall in love with you, but I never had enough words to make you fall in love with me.

Twelve years of Catholic school taught us that if you want to forget someone, never be mad at them. Everything and everyone that you hate engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of someone, if you want to forget, you cannot be mad. And so I forgive you, because I deserve way better and so do you. You deserve to be surrounded by the people who care about you and would do anything for you in return. Sitting here tonight has made me realize that I’m glad you haven’t talked to me since. Because no matter how many times I say it, I could never be ‘just friends’ with you. I thought I could convince you to fall in love with me; something that I couldn’t do in the six years I was infatuated with you.

I heard once that there is big difference between giving up and letting go. Because giving up is walking away from something that could become reality whereas letting go is realizing that something was never meant to be and it not worth your time and effort. So it’s time for me to say goodbye. Not because I am giving up, but because I deserve peace. I honestly wish you the best in life. Have fun in college, I hope you find the guy who makes you smile like you first love did. I hope that you find that dream job that you always talked about and have the house you always wanted. I hope you have many children and that they grow up to become as courageous and beautiful as you. Just know that as much as I want to be a part of it all, even as a friend, I can’t. Because it hurts too much to pretend that sitting in a parking lot by myself on a Saturday night is okay when it’s not. It’s finally time for me to pick up the pieces of myself that are left, I need to move on. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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