1. Every single couple has somehow existed on the planet for a few decades, yet remains blissfully unaware that you can buy paint in stores. “The realtor found something that ticked every box on this ridiculously unrealistic list I have, but I’m still not sure this place is for me because the shade of teal in the gift wrapping room doesn’t quite give me the ‘South Florida’ feeling I was looking for.”
2. “I would need to inject some of my personal style into the house.” You’re wearing goddamn beige Dockers. Your personal style is a yawn and a shrug.
3. “Happy wife, happy life.” AKA: “I bet on the wrong horse and I’m just trying to ride this thing out.”
4. “Once his mind is set, there is no changing it.” AKA: “He’s kind of a prick.”
5. People are somehow under the impression that there is a monetary reward for each use of the phrase “wow factor.”
6. Many people don’t realize that electric heat, and not just gas, can actually make animal proteins unfold, thus aiding in the process of digestion. It’s called denaturation. I don’t just watch HGTV!
7. Any kitchen remodel that took place before last Thursday is impossibly “dated” and a personal affront to the couple who just drove up in the 2003 Nissan Sentra.
8. If house guests can’t see you in your made-for-entertaining kitchen from the living room, then your families clearly must go to war.
9. These couples act as if they’ve never met before in their lives, and have no idea what the other person wants in a house. Now I’m no real estate agent, but I am relatively sure that it is rare to find a new-build that was erected in 1967, that has a lot of “projects” and is completely move-in ready, while being located both in the middle of the city near bars and shops as well as on a quiet suburban cul de sac, and that satisfies her minimalistic desires while still giving him his moat.
10. The cameras somehow turn every house hunter into Frank Lloyd Wright. “I really appreciate the architectural elements and especially the Elizabethan undertones.” Dude, it’s a friggin’ porch.
11. “The American couple with a budget that consists of $76.99 and a spool of yarn, who want an apartment in the middle of Paris, and then somehow finds one and complains that the shower isn’t quite large enough to clean a mid-sized elephant. Just stay in Oklahoma!
12. The sudden mathematical epiphanies. “If we’re UNDER budget, we’ll have MORE money to make the upgrades we want.” Wait. Slow down. We can exchange cash for goods and services now? Please, tell me more about this alchemy of which you speak.
13. “We’re going have to put carpet over this hardwood floor.” But… It’s just… You’d put those car headlight eyelashes on a Tesla Model S, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you?!?
14. It’s a popcorn ceiling, not fucking plutonium