When You Date A Commitment Phobe

As a person who is terrified of commitment I feel the need to express and explain to the poor unexpecting dating public how these innocent looking people can break your heart. Have you ever wondered why that boy or girl who no matter how perfect your relationship seemed or how sure you were that they had feelings for you too, they always backed away and the flame blew out. Here are the 3 steps you go through when you are dating a person terrified of commitment.
Shutterstock
Shutterstock

1. The chase

The chase for the Commitment Phobe is like their bread and butter. No one is better at it and you will be sure to fall for them. Their techniques include making themselves your ideal person. They will watch you like their prey, laugh at your jokes, like the movies you like, go to the gym more (or lie about it to impress you), they will commit to the win. At the same time they won’t be too keen or come on too strong. They will play it cool. In some way or another they will find you out of their league if your not they are bored and you are what they think they want until you want more. If you don’t give them a good chase you will have absolutely no chance of becoming anything more than a mere object that they will call upon when they want to…fill physical needs. In the Commitment Phobe’s head they have convinced themselves and will tell others that they do not have feelings for you they will cut themselves off from you and hide any emotions in the far back of their head that not even they can find.

Why be emotionally cut off?

Because then they can’t get hurt. They don’t like others to see them in pain or hurting. A classic sign of this is their inability to show emotions other than positive ones. Negative emotions such as sadness and anger make the Commitment Phobe feel weak and vulnerable and they do not like to be put in that position. They will play down every negative feeling they have and convincingly say “no I’m fine, it’s not a big deal”. They rarely loose their temper and the need to be liked and accepted is huge but the need to be needed is even larger.

2. The Relationship

If you have made it to stage 2 with the Commitment Phobe then you are very lucky. Either you have caught them consciously trying to change, asked them out when they were inebriated and couldn’t think up a quick enough excuse (or a mixture of both) but either way you are in…or so you think. You will be lucky if this relationship lasts more than a week because the second the Commitment Phobe has the title of boyfriend or girlfriend, they will question everything about you. The best thing you can do at this point is move slowly, hunt them, any quick movement and they will run for the hills.

If you want to know what is happening in the Commitment Phobe’s head it is along the lines of “I don’t really like them that much, they aren’t as attractive as I remember, wow they talk about such superficial things, I’ll ask them something personal like what their favorite colour is, now I really know them”. They will do everything to see why you aren’t right for them and what they don’t like about you and they put no effort in getting to know you or even think about trusting you. They best thing you can do is go on a holiday for a month and get to know them from a distance.

The lack of attachment stops the Commitment Phobe from feeling suffocated and they may begin to develop some trust in you. However, when you return expect very little as the Commitment Phobe needs space. The Commitment Phobe can but not always be a cheater, they are self-sabotaging creatures, however they hate to be disliked, so it’s finding that fine line of how to sabotage the relationship, which, unless you are a miracle worker, they inevitably will. In a physical sense the Commitment Phobe goes two ways: complete promiscuity (usually the cheater) or completely frigid – either way they will avoid and intimate connection because well that allows for emotions – that can go negative and we know they hate that!

3. The Breakup

Sadly unless changed by your incredible patience, smooth moves and some miracle through nature the Commitment Phobe will think of some excuse not to be with you. Despite this they will want you to break up with them, so they will do everything they know you don’t like, the counter opposite of the chase, they will go out of their way to push you away – like “How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days”. She was subtle about wanting him gone but made his life a living hell – and the Commitment Phobe ironically commits to ending it. If they do break up with you they will do it a gently as possible. They won’t say anything about your flaws or why they don’t like you just that is wasn’t meant to be and that they’d like to remain friends. They will try to be social and friendly when you come across each other through encounters. Though, I WARN YOU: DO NOT INTRODUCE YOUR FAMILY TO A SUSPECTED Commitment Phobe. Not only will this freak them out, but their desire to be liked will impair their judgement and may push the boundaries. For example; I had a friend who AFTER he broke up with a Commitment Phobe she randomly bumped into his mum at an event, they got drunk went out clubbing together and his mum crashed on her couch. This particular Commitment Phobe put being liked before appropriate break-up behaviour and knew exactly how to get his mother to like her. After the breakup you are harder to obtain, therefore the chase is harder – DO NOT FALL VICTIM TO THEM AGAIN THE CYCLE WILL JUST CONTINUE. It takes a lot of self-awareness for a Commitment Phobe to be able to change and you probably can’t help them until they are ready to help themselves.

I will leave you with 8 attributes likely found in a Commitment Phobic:

  1. They have either mother or father issues leading to lack of trust
  2. They have no long lasting previous relationships
  3. They get nervous simply making appointments for the hairdresser because committing to a date is too much
  4. Every time they have to have a serious conversation about your relationship they require alcohol or other substances
  5. They always have at least 3 old flames chasing after them that did not get to stage 2
  6. The more unattainable you are to them the more they chase you
  7. They always have an excuse to bail and they will at some point
  8. If they are hot, nice and always single then BINGO it’s a Commitment Phobe

Apologies to you lovely folk out there who get your dreams of an adult relationship crushed by a Commitment Phobe, while frustrating, it is subconscious and unintentional. They don’t realise what they are doing until its over and they are chasing you again. The Commitment Phobe is emotionally detached from your relationship and they know when they are hurting you but they can’t stop from fighting their way out and trying to look innocent. So good luck to those stuck in the dating world and at all costs avoid a Commitment Phobe. TC mark

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