Should I have given you enough time to heal and recover? Should I have accepted your situation for what it is before welcoming you into my life? Should I have let myself fully heal from past traumas before diving into a relationship with you?
These are my shower thoughts. My drive to work thoughts. My “I can’t fall asleep” thoughts. These are my thoughts when you take too long to reply. My thoughts when you don’t look at me a certain way or when you’re jokingly mean to me on the phone.
I overthink everything. And you may already know this, but it’s because I always feel so vulnerable when I fall for someone. I start to analyze every bad quality of mine that surfaces and critique every bad quality in my partner that surfaces; and I ask myself, can I live with this forever?
I don’t let myself feel. I don’t let myself fall. I don’t let myself become this vulnerable. But, I have. And that’s scary. It’s scary because the questions I ask myself during these moments of pause are real questions. There’s so much uncertainty in love. We’ve both experienced that in our lives. Even though, I know how you feel about me, about us, these fears are still very much alive.
But even in saying all that, I know in my heart that you’re a blessing. And I’m thankful to God for you. I’m writing this awfulness to release it from my soul. Because you’re amazing. You appreciate my art and my music and my mind. You share your opinions and you challenge my thoughts and you’ve pretty much turned my world right-side up.
I think part of what makes us whole is that we don’t hide from the imperfections. We’re comfortable being uncomfortable. So, I guess my answer to the previous questions is, yes. Yes, this was fast. But what started as a spark quickly turned into fireworks, and all I wanna do is light up the sky.