I don’t always feel special. But yesterday, you said I was. It actually hurt you that I’ve been feeling this way. You fell silent and became sad. You told me you wanted to give me the world. You said work has been stressing you out because you wanna secure our future. You looked at me and imagined what I see with you every time we’re in the car together.
I really wanted to stay on that rock and watch the waves crash into each other because that’s how I was feeling in that moment. I thought it would calm me down. But then you called my name and that became my calm. I was instantly at ease. I guess it’s because you’re my home. Not a single sad moment can take that feeling away.
I wish I could put my feelings for you in a box. I wish I could show you how scared you make me. I wish I could explain to you how unfathomable a future without you in it is. I’m certain that this is what it feels like when they say, “When you know, you know.”
But although you often feel close, sometimes you’re so incredibly far away. I don’t know if it’s my fear of losing you that makes that true. If it is, I’m sorry. I know I’m impossible to love. I know it’s awful that I turn every blue sky moment into gray. I know it’s insane that I don’t know how to be happy. But I’m working on it. I’m working on having faith in us. It’s just that fear—that fear that this is just another one of your past relationships doesn’t go away. You give your all to people. I’m not special. And I can’t figure out a way to have hope without also preparing myself for the worst case scenario. I’m not built that way.
I know you tenderly water me to try and turn my thorny stems into roses, but you can’t see how rotten the roots are in the ground. I know you say you get it, but oh my god, you really don’t; that won’t be something you’ll understand anytime soon. So, just be patient with me. Be patient while I sort through a yesterday of pain to make room for a tomorrow of love. With you.